Howard Stern revealed more exciting details from Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux's secret Aug. 5 wedding on his SiriusXM Radio Show Monday. The biggest news? Late-night host Jimmy Kimmel officiated the star-studded ceremony!
The radio star, 61, was the first of the celebrity attendees (which included Ellen DeGeneres and Sandra Bullock) to speak publicly about the wedding, telling his co-host Robin Quivers about the Bel Air nuptials.
"They're so secretive those two," he said, adding that he was one of the few clued in that Theroux's "birthday party" was actually a wedding.
"They contacted us and said, 'Please don't tell anyone,' " he explained, noting that Theroux asked him to prepare a speech.
"I'm very friendly with Justin. I like him very much, I really admire him," Stern said, adding that he'd be "pleased" if his own daughters brought home a "guy like him."
Stern, who shut down rumors that Robert Downey Jr. also gave a speech ("He wasn't there"), said his 10-minute diatribe was mostly him "whining" about being "miserable" in the backyard seating.
"They had these little tiny chairs. There was a table, and then you sit down and the chairs were like poufs, like little pillow poufs," he told Quivers, adding, "I'm a grown man!"
The star also said guests had their phones taken away, which he also complained about (to the attendees' delight) in his toast.
"'I don't want to take a picture of you two! I really don't. I want my cell phone so after I make this speech I can call my car and get the f--- outta here!' " he said, rehashing the speech. "People were laughing at my misery."
The host revealed that Kimmel served as the wedding's officiant, and made it through the ceremony without getting choked up despite being "still depressed" about Cecil the Lion's death.
"Jim was the preacher, you know the guy who did the ceremony," he said. "He did a great job, you know, he did a beautiful job."
Stern was seated with DeGeneres and her wife Portia de Rossi, as well as Orlando Bloom – whom he didn't recognize!
"He's like better-looking than Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise all rolled into one," he said. "So I'm sitting talking to this guy – interesting dude. We're hitting it off and talking for a long time. I said, 'What is your name?' He says, 'Orlando.' "
The infamous host, who repeatedly called Bloom a "nice guy" and "so handsome," said he'd "seen him [Bloom] but I don't know his movies."
Stern was so taken aback by the Pirates of the Caribbean actor's good looks that he imagined Bloom was used to constant female attention.
"I said to him at one point, 'This must be tough for you to be at this wedding,'" he recalled, adding that he assumed Bloom has sex every 15 minutes. "He said, 'You know, you're right.' "
Stern and his new friend spent the rest of the evening on the dance floor among the other famous faces in attendance (he said Kimmel doesn't dance).
"Sia was there and she sang, it was very romantic, it was their [Theroux and Aniston's] first dance," Stern said, adding that the moment inspired him to take Bloom for a spin around the floor.
"So I run to Orlando and say, 'Orlando, first dance,' " Stern said on the radio show. "So Orlando grabbed me so tight, I thought my bones were going to break."
For much more about Jen and Justin's dream wedding – and their friend-filled honeymoon in Bora Bora! – pick up the new issue of PEOPLE, out on newsstands this week