Birds That Fill Me with a Vague but Persistent Dread: The Turkey

Weird Birds: The Turkey
Nicholas Kamm/AFP/Getty

08/11/2015 AT 10:15 AM EDT

Welcome to Birds That Fill Me with a Vague but Persistent Dread.

This week's Bird is the American domesticated turkey. This turkey in particular was one of two pardoned by President Barack Obama in 2013 as part of the White House's yearly Thanksgiving tradition, and I can say with all certainty that that was the wrong decision.

Putting aside the fact that this turkey in particular looks like an outtake from Planet Earth as directed by David Cronenberg and/or the back cover of Miles Davis's Live/Evil, there's just something… knowing and unsavory in its gaze. Sinister, even. Whatever this turkey did, he should not be pardoned for it. He's proud of it, and he's thrilled he's getting away with it.

It's very likely he's still out there, committing crimes. I may have even made myself a target, but the damage I do by staying silent is too great. The people must know.

Ben Franklin once said that the bald eagle was a "rank coward" with a "bad moral character," adding that "the turkey is in comparison a much more respectable bird."

Franklin also advocated for "air baths," where he would sit naked by an open first-floor window for a half-hour, whatever the weather, so take his thoughts on the turkey with a grain of salt.

This has been Birds That Fill Me with a Vague but Persistent Dread. Thank you.
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