Lauren: 'I'm Kind of the Mistress'
Lauren kicked off the episode by dropping the bomb that she is currently someone's "mistress" back home … and no one really batted an eye.
"I am so in love with him I can't even do anything, I can't think of anything," she announced, adding: "I'm kind of the mistress."
"She's the chilliest girlfriend you can ever have. I mean, obviously – she lets a guy have another girlfriend," chimed in her sister, Ashley I.
Because she couldn't bear to be away from her man ("I love being a mistress") and because she's been generally miserable in Mexico ("I can't be around people this much"), Lauren decided to pack her bags and leave the show. Other than Ashley I., who had a mandatory mini-sob session, no one was fazed at all by Lauren's departure.
"Lauren left and I don't think anybody really cares," shrugged Tanner.
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Meet Joshua, a Welder From Idaho Who Does Molly
The first guy to arrive after the rose ceremony was Joshua, who you might remember from last season of The Bachelorette as the guy who made the horrific decision to allow Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe to cut his hair, leaving him with an appalling semi-Mohawk disaster.
Joshua was back to making terrible decisions on television when he decided to flaunt all the times he'd done Molly (a.k.a. MDMA) to the group.
This threw sweet, innocent Tenley into a tizzy as the two had gone just the night before on a romantic date (featuring lots of make-outs, as well as awful dance moves courtesy of Joshua). Now Tenley was torn between trusting Joshua or returning to her other romantic interest JJ.
JJ of course being the guy who proclaimed himself a "villain" on his The Bachelorette and who says ridiculous things at all times. Suffice it to say, this episode was no exception with several remarkable – and often wildly inappropriate – metaphors.
Such as: "If I'm thinking of Josh as a catch, he's kind of a carp. You know, yeah, you caught him. He was dredging the ocean floor, but yeah, you caught him."
And also: "Josh and girls is like water in California: it's a rarity. When that teaspoon of wit and humor runs out, I'll give him a little pat on the back and send him on his way."
And lest we forget: "Tenley is kind of like a princess in a Disney movie, and I've never seen a Disney movie that ends with the blacksmith getting the girl."
And finally: "Giving [Joshua] the date card is like putting a grenade in a dude with no arms' mouth."
JJ, this is not okay.
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Watching JJ trying to prove how little of a threat Joshua posed was debatably the highlight of the episode.
"There's a reason that Josh doesn't have sex that often, and there's a reason that I'm probably a little more successful on that front," he claimed – JJ, you can barely convince yourself here, no one's buying it.
We Have to Talk About Joe
The second guy to arrive this episode was Joe, who demonstrated such poor social skills upon arriving I seriously wondered if he was sedated.
Joe ended up asking Juelia on a date, and the two went horseback riding, swam under waterfalls and kissed several times. Joe actually behaved like a normal person on the date and was very sweet to Juelia, asking all about her daughter and her life at home. When they returned from the date, Juelia was absolutely giddy with happiness – which only made it harder to watch as it was revealed that Joe was putting on a big fat show and is actually a terrible human being.
"She's not very smart, is she?" he said nonchalantly about Juelia to an off-camera producer, at the exact same time as Juelia was shown gushing to the girls about how "lucky" she was to be with Joe.
He went on to say that his kiss with Juelia "wasn't good" and he only did it because he wanted her rose so that he could stay on the show in the hopes that Samantha, a contestant from Chris Soules' season of The Bachelor, would show up in Mexico.
And who else's jaw dropped when he let that fart rip as he lounged on the sofa, completely unfazed, chatting with the producer.
Somebody please escort Joe from the premises ASAP, thannnnnks.
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Jared Gets a Date Card and All Hell Breaks Loose
It was about time the Jared-Ashley I.-Clare-Mikey love square imploded.
Jared, who has been aggressively pursued by Ashley I., got a date card and, without a second thought, turned to Clare and invited her. Clare, who has been aggressively pursued by Mikey, accepted immediately and everything fell to pieces.
The episode came to a dramatic end with Ashley I. sobbing hysterically, Mikey screaming at Clare and Clare screaming and crying right back.
But don't feel too bad for Jared just yet – the preview for next week's episode shows him and Clare getting pretty intimate. Brace yourselves for Hurricane Ashley, people.
Part 2 of this week's episode of Bachelor in Paradise airs Monday at 8 p.m. ET on ABC, followed by Bachelor in Paradise: After Paradise, a live one-hour show at 9 p.m. ET.