On Sunday's episode, the reality dating show kicked off to a romantic start with Marcus Grodd and Lacy Faddoul's surprise wedding (quick recap: these two met on the first season of the show last year, and got engaged on the season finale) – but after that tender scene wrapped up, the show was back in all its dramatic glory with plenty of drinking, dating, and of course, crying.
Jillian got a boob job
You might remember Jillian from the last season of The Bachelor with Chris Soules. An avid wearer of itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny bikinis that require censoring, she's back with all her wonderfully uncensored and entertaining commentary – and a new pair of boobs.
Her best quote this episode: "I'm ready for my man buffet on the beach. I'm so excited to meet the guys and show off the girls. I'm going to be a bigger, better Jillian."
Ashley I. brought her sister on the show – and they both can't stop crying
The gene for drama definitely runs in the family.
To the boys' delight and the girls' dismay, Ashley I. brings her younger sister, Lauren, on the show and host Chris Harrison makes the slightly bizarre announcement that the two are a package deal: if one of the guys extends his rose to one sister at this week's rose ceremony, both sisters will be staying. (Per the format of the show, this week the guys outnumber the girls by one. At the rose ceremony, each guy will hand out his rose to the girl of his choice, and the girl who doesn't receive a rose will be sent home – they'll switch out next week when another guy arrives to throw off the guy-girl ratio again, and the girls will hand out roses, sending one guy home.)
The two sisters both have teary meltdowns by the first night, which makes it hard to figure out which one is more dramatic – but Ashley definitely takes the cake when she realizes that she has a crush on "Jared (one of Kaitlyn Bristowe's eliminated suitors from last season of The Bachelorette). She's off to a painfully awkward start when her nerves get the best of her and she loses the ability to come up with anything to talk about (seriously, I couldn't look away as the two sat in complete silence together), which might explain Jared's reaction when she gets the first date card of the season on day two.
"Jared looks like he would rather take a back-alley beating with a plumber's wrench than go on this date," says JJ, ever the gracious gentleman who proclaimed himself a "villain" on his Bachelorette stint last season with Bristowe.
Despite the fact that he's already expressed interest in Jade, another cast member, Jared ends up accepting the date with Ashley I. and it actually seems to go pretty well (while they don't kiss, the two go off-roading through the jungle and have drinks at sunset on the beach).
Speaking of Jade, everyone is obsessed with her
Jade got sent home on week 8 of Soules' season of The Bachelor, right after she revealed that she had posed for Playboy.
It's still early, but it definitely looks like she's going to have more luck this time around – basically every male cast member is interested in her. Seriously, at one point she is literally surrounded by five of the guys, and they're all vying for her attention.
On her end, she expresses equal interest in Jared and Tanner, and when she gets the second date card of the season while Jared is on his date with Ashley I., she ends up asking Tanner (another one of Bristowe's castaways).
Tanner is refreshingly normal for someone on the reality show – not to mention he's extremely handsome, down-to-earth and has a great sense of humor. They have dinner, he makes her laugh, they kiss and then they end up swimming in the river in the moonlight. The whole date was actually very adorable and I love the two of them together.
By the end of the date, Tanner is smitten: "I'm already feeling more of a connection with Jade in one night than I did with Kaitlyn the entire season."
Also off in happy-couple-land are Carly and Kirk, who hit it off immediately on the first night and are basically attached at the hip for the rest of the episode.
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Ashley S. goes to the hospital – but we still don't know why
If you watched Soules' season of The Bachelor, you definitely remember Ashley S. because she's one of the most bizarrely entertaining people to ever be cast on the show and her onion rant was some of the best reality television I've seen in a while.
While at first she acts relatively normal she kind of goes off to la la land halfway through the episode and then – in a very strange turn of events that are completely unexplained – is suddenly shown being loaded onto an ambulance and taken to the hospital. Seriously, what gives ABC? You can't show someone being strapped to a stretcher and carted off without explaining what's going on.
Clare showed up at the last minute
While she voluntarily left the show on the last season of Bachelor in Paradise, Clare is ready for round two. It's off to an interesting start when she says she's most excited to get to know Tanner, Kirk, and Jared, the three guys who have basically all already been "claimed."
"Let it be known I'm not afraid to ruffle any feathers," she says. "I know what I want. I know what qualities I want in a man and I won't settle for anything less than that. So – game on."
(Side note: while I can't wait to watch the drama unfold with Clare, can we also please get that raccoon back?)
One last thing
Jonathan, we shouldn't have to tell you this, but it's never okay to call a girl "delicious" and ask if you can "take a bite of out of that." Never.
Part two of the season premiere of Bachelor in Paradise airs Monday at 8 p.m. ET on ABC, followed by Bachelor in Paradise: After Paradise, a live one-hour after show at 9 p.m. ET.