The Men Tell All ... dun dun DUNNNNNN!
I'm not going to lie, I was NERVOUS for this. First of all, who has 20 ex-boyfriends? Secondly, who has to go face all of them in one room and talk about it? Especially with the topics I knew would be on the table!
Listening to the guys interact with each other reminded me of why I had feelings for the men I did. It meant a lot to hear them stand up for me. I am not sure if any of them read my blogs, but if you guys do, THANK YOU. To Clint, JJ, Tanner (although Tanner, you were pretty tough on me), Chris and Ben H., thank you. You guys all stood up for me, and I REALLY appreciated it.
People like Corey kind of made me laugh. We didn't get to know each other well, so for him to have such a strong opinion and speak that way about me, I thought was tasteless and a bit pathetic. Nick coming on the show never ruined Corey's chance – his chance was ruined because he was someone I couldn't see myself with. It was the same situation with Kupah. Out of all people, I was surprised KUPAH was really going to question MY behavior! Did he not watch himself on the show? Kupah and Jonathan didn't even want me as the Bachelorette. Which is okay – I didn't expect everyone to want it to be me – but don't question my feelings and connections when you wanted to explore something with someone else from the beginning. Seems a bit contradictory to me.
Tanner, I apologize that you feel I went about bringing Nick on this journey with a poor delivery. I didn't know how to deliver that sort of news. From my point of view, I couldn't go through this whole season having so many relationships without upsetting someone. And I hope you can understand I was in a difficult head space when I made that choice. I do agree that my behavior of acting giddy was maybe a bit off-putting. But, to be honest, when I'm nervous, I get giddy and giggly. And for that I apologize.
JJ in the hot seat! Say what you want, but I did have a connection with JJ. He was an interesting quirky bull in a china shop, and I was just curious about him. There was something I was attracted to, and I've said it before: I didn't see a lot of the behavior in the house that everyone was telling me about. But after New York, I didn't hear anyone speak up about JJ. I guess all the focus was shifted to Nick. JJ, you should thank Nick for that (haha). Our relationship did just lose its momentum, and I just didn't see it moving forward. He was someone I enjoyed having at Men Tell All because he defended me, and that meant a lot.
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Ben Z. was a tough one. We all know I understand what it feels like to be blindsided. I understand how it feels to have strong feelings and have no warning signs of that coming to an end. And, honestly, it was the night that I sent Ben Z. home that I realized I wasn't moving forward with our relationship. That was a difficult choice to make because I didn't want to blindside him. But, more importantly, I didn't want to string him along. I am grateful for that relationship. Ben Z. is such a sweet guy, and I think our time together was almost therapeutic. I think he got to do a lot of soul-searching and accept feelings he wasn't used to experiencing. I think Ben Z. realized that he can be emotional and that it's healthy. He is one solid dude, physically and now emotionally.
Jared. Sigh. Such a class act. A sweet, compassionate gentleman. I found Jared super attractive from the moment he was honest with me about voting for Britt. It takes a strong and confident man to do that. To me, Jared had such a handsome mysterious look, but he was no mystery. He was just an obviously honest man. It's hard to know that some of these men still have these feelings or that I could have had such an effect on their lives. But I hope they know they had an effect on mine as well. Guys like Jared are guys I won't forget. We had such a special thing, and we always had such a great time. If I knew on that road trip that I was going to only meet two families and go down to three so fast, I would have approached our road trip differently. I thought I would have more time with him. The only reasoning I had to end it was that I had stronger feelings for three other men. Saying that still feels so strange. But I will say, I am interested to see how things go for Jared on Bachelor in Paradise. He deserves the best!!
Ben H(andsome): Ben is one lovable dude. Did you guys see how he stood up for me? We had a solid, healthy and happy relationship. I think it is no secret that I like passion and intensity. And I think that was one thing missing between us. I know that sounds crazy because I know a life with Ben would be easy and enjoyable, but I just felt a lack of intensity, and that's just me being honest. What Ben and I went through on our journey was not easy! I put him in a tough position, and I screwed up. Again, I am human. But my mistake did allow me to see a tiny glimpse of intensity in Ben and truthfully brought us closer. I wish that man nothing but great things, and he better find someone as great as him.
Ian … what do I say? I did really appreciate Ian's apology. I knew he had probably been getting a lot of backlash for his behavior, and I'm glad he acknowledged his mistakes and owned up to them. An apology goes a long way with me. And I believe he meant it.
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I live for bloopers. Any movie I have watched, I have watched the bloopers for it. I think moments like these are HILARIOUS. I wish there were more. Maybe less focus on my fear of birds and more of the guys' fart jokes! Am I right, Ian??? Haha, see … making jokes and being a little chirpy can all be in good fun.
Which means it's time to address the online hate I have been dealing with. That was TOUGH to relive. Hearing Chris Harrison reading those Tweets and comments doesn't get any easier. People can be mean. I understand a couple jabs and chirps. I throw them out there in good humor, and opinions are fine. I can handle that. But hating and calling me awful names is not cooooool. The "haters" go out of their way to shame me for my behavior and don't acknowledge their own. I made mistakes and went through tough times. I did things that I would do in a relationship. I was being true to myself. You don't have to agree with it, but don't tell me I should crawl in a hole and die.
The silver lining in this is that I have a unique opportunity to help bring more awareness to online bullying. People have taken their own lives due to this terrible issue. I am fortunate I have thick skin and can maybe use my experience to help others. It still brought me to tears to have the guys and the audience stand on their feet and show me their support. That means everything to me. So to everyone who has supported me along this journey, even if you didn't understand my choices, thank you.
Overall, it was so great to see these guys and maybe talk through some things. I was a little disappointed Tony was so silent. I thought we could have at least gotten an update on his bonsai trees. Everyone likes a good love story … and that's why you should tune in Monday the 27th! Ooooh, good segue, Kaitlyn!!! I cannot believe that's next week!!! So much to look forward to. Thank you to everyone who has stood by me along the way.
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The Bachelorette concludes its current season Monday at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.