Double the number of parties, divide the number of apologies and multiple the number of Moscow mules. What does that get you?
Answer: Wednesday night's episode of The Real Housewives of New York City, in which the ladies spent a lot of time together having no fun at all.
First and foremost – and for almost the entire episode – there was Dorinda Medley's boyfriend, John, who kept trying to apologize to Bethenny Frankel at her birthday party in the Hamptons, for all of that stuff he said to her on her actual birthday back in New York City. Except that Frankel was having absolutely none of it, not just ignoring John's attempts at conversation but moving around him as though he were a physical obstruction in her path. A sink hole or something.
Meanwhile, LuAnn de Lesseps spent the party attempting to talk to Carole Radziwill. And then, when Radziwill wouldn't even acknowledge her, De Lesseps spent her time attempting to make light of being ignored.
"I have to say," Ramona Singer said, about to speak truth, "This is one of the weirdest ... parties I have ever been to."
Everyone else had only the oddest analogies for the John/Frankel situation. Medley was mad at Frankel's lack of niceties. If she didn't want John there, she shouldn't have invited him, but since she did ...
"If you choose to invite Hitler to your home, then you gotta be nice to him as a hostess," Medley said.
Radziwill, a Frankel supporter, ended up comparing John's persistent attempts to apologize to when a boy really likes a girl so much that he pulls her pigtails.
Finally they all got the exact kind of resolution they had not asked for:
John talked to Frankel, saying all the right apology-sounding words, in the right order, but appearing not to really understand what he had done that was apology-worthy. And when Radziwill talked to De Lesseps, instead of ceding to De Lesseps' point that both of them made mistakes, she pushed back adamantly that their conflict was all one-sided. She said it was all on De Lesseps (and she had examples at the ready to back up her point).
For her part, De Lesseps backed off her point much quicker than John did. He stuck to his guns. Even though he said, "I came in [at Medley's party] and whatever I said and whatever I did, I think it was uncalled for and unnecessary," he soon got super defensive and said Frankel had also said uneducated things in her time.
(As though accusing her of stealing her business from someone else was no thing.)
Their first conversation didn't end well, so Frankel felt she had to have another, if only to appease Medley, who was really quite upset by this point. "Everywhere I go, I'm upset," she said.
"I need to do something to put a little button on this so everyone's not going to a mental institution tonight," Frankel said, and that's what she did, clearing the air with John.
Then after all of that, they went to brunch!
No, really: Julianne "Jules" Wainstein, not realizing the criss-crossing lines of conflict, had invited all the women to brunch at her Hamptons home the morning after Frankel's party. They showed up, but only briefly, long enough for Frankel to annoy Wainstein with her questions about Wainstein's ongoing home renovation, and then for Frankel to sprint out the door with Radziwill, laughing as they no one had spent the episode fighting.
"This is the best birthday party I've ever had," Frankel said at one point. "I haven't verbally assaulted anyone into tears. I haven't cried in a bathroom. I haven't gotten divorced. I'm in one piece."
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesdays (9 p.m. ET) on Bravo.