• May 08, 2006
• Vol. 65
• No. 18

'Would I Trade in My Autism? No'

By Joanne Fowler

What's It Like to Have a Condition That Society Calls Mysterious? Teenager Taylor Cross Asks Other Autistics to Speak Up in His Surprising New Movie

Having a child diagnosed with autism can be one of the most devastating moments in a parent's life. But just one of many things not widely understood about this range of developmental disorders is that not all autistics retreat into a world of silence and isolation. Taylor Cross, diagnosed when he was 6, is today a comic-loving, video-game-playing 17-year-old from Thousand Oaks, Calif. He believes that his disorder, which affects his speech, concentration and personal interactions—hugs feel like "an invasion of space," he says—is simply part of who he is. For his film Normal People Scare Me, Cross invited other high-functioning autistics to describe autism from the inside. "The message is hidden in the title," he says. "What the hell is normal anyway?" Here are some of their stories:

Swimming pools calm her down

DELANEY RODGERS, 16: Water makes me feel safe. When I'm swimming, it's one of the only times that my head is quiet. Creating art also feels very calming. When I draw, I go into a place in my head where there are no distractions. Otherwise there's just so much sensory disruption.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome when I was 8. Before then I had a feeling I was different. I had trouble understanding teachers if they didn't say things concretely. Like if one of my teachers said, "Do that problem over," but didn't actually point to it, I would be trying to figure out what problem they meant. I would get all upset. But I can also do some things really quickly, like reading, and learn very, very fast if somebody gives me very clear, visual instructions. Right now I'm in ninth grade, but I also take 12 hours of college courses.

About three or four years ago I first started realizing that I needed to make small talk. All my friends knew how and I felt left out. At first it seemed like magic. But I taught myself how to do it. Sometimes my mind feels noisy, but I'd never wish for my autism to go away. It helps me focus.

In his mind, a world of his own

PETER FOY, 18: When I feel stressed, I like to twirl a piece of string between my fingers. When I was younger I did it in public, but now I just do it at home. It helps me think more clearly. My mom calls it my "drug," so I can block out reality. In my mind, I've created an alternative reality with hundreds of TV episodes or movies. Some are sequels to favorite movies like Pulp Fiction. I don't really tell many people about them. I just replay them in my head. I like my autism because it makes me unique. However, it used to get in the way with people because I was so opinionated. I'd tell other kids who were smoking that it was bad for their health. Or not to swear. But I've gotten a lot better since then. I'm a lot better at eye contact and making small talk. I didn't mean any harm, but I guess they felt lectured to. Their name calling was pretty brutal. I never really learned to tie my shoes or hold a pen properly. My grip is too loose. But I can take notes with a word processor, and I'm excited to be going to college next fall. I want to see what I'm capable of. I don't worry about the academics. I'm a B-plus student right now. And I don't want to be seen as ignorant. I'm as intelligent as the next person, if not more so.

• Contributors:
• Johnny Dodd/Thousand Oaks.

More From This Article

Normal People Scare Me, Taylor Cross's documentary film about autism (produced by Joey Travolta, John Travolta's older brother), will be shown in a dozen cities in the coming months, including Seattle and Chicago (May), Montreal and Hot Springs, Ark. (October), and Honolulu (December). For more information, visit the film's Web site: www.normalfilms.com or www.theautismperspective.org.

My Life: Sensory Overload

ANDREW GERING, 13: What's my life like? I don't like my autism because I get anxious. It makes my stomach hurt. I can't do things—like drive a car when I'm older. Sounds bother me. At the movies, when it's so loud, I sometimes cry and have to cover my ears. Or if someone gets impatient with me and raises his voice. I also don't like when my dog drinks water or eats. The noise really bugs me. Two years ago I was attacked by bullies on the playground. I don't want to talk about it. If it ever happens again, I'm going to punch them in the face. I like math. I'm an expert at it. I'm also really good at spelling. There's a spell-a-thon next Monday. Studying is easy: I see words once and I know them. I'm very good at recognizing stuff like a person's haircut or new frames on their glasses, or if a picture was moved, even by a couple of inches.

Am I done now? That's all I can explain about myself.

First Two Sons—now Their Mom

CINDY IDELL, 50, WITH SONS PHILIP, 15, AND DAVID, 12: I wasn't diagnosed until after my sons were. The specialist looked right at me and said, "Do you know anyone else in your family who has this?" For most of my life, I've had problems with speaking in public and with sounds. Balloons are my number one enemy. I'm afraid they're going to pop. I've gone to restaurants where they're blowing up balloons and I've had my husband ask them to stop. I can tell they're thinking, "What's wrong with this person?" The sound goes through my inner body. I run out of the room crying. A psychiatrist told me to carry a balloon in my purse and gradually build up to blowing it up. I never got past carrying it. He didn't understand autism, the difference between neurological and psychological. I think having it myself allows me to understand my sons. My father thought my balloon problem was ridiculous. He thought anything could be cured with discipline.