Retired Broadway press agent Dick Falk (he's handled Streisand, Dali and Mailer) now occasionally snaps and sells photographs of celebs at parties. He softens them up with an unusual line: If cremated after they quit this vale of tears, where would they like their ashes scattered? (The question's hardly idle, since Falk is also a licensed pilot who scatters ashes as a sideline.) Though the request usually catches folks offguard, several have rallied. "Over Gilligan's Island," replied Tina Louise. Said former New York Mayor John Lindsay, "Over City Hall, but during working hours." Andy Warhol opted for art galleries up and down the isle of Manhattan, but definitely "out of a Campbell's soup can."
Ever since she decided to build a retreat on Martha's Vineyard, Jackie Onassis has been running into legal problems. First there was a problem with the 34-foot chimney that neighbors thought would be too high. She later won a variance for the chimney, claiming it would be hidden from view. Then Jackie had to shave three feet off the silo on her guest house because it exceeded the legal height limit. Now she has been fined $500 for beginning construction of a 30-by-30-foot barn on the property without first obtaining a building permit. "I guess there are only two reasons why someone would build without a permit—disdain for the law, or stupidity," jabbed Jeffrey Madison, chairman of the local board of selectmen. In all fairness, it should be reported that a contrite Jackie sent a check as soon as she heard about the violation.
Precocious Morgan Mason, 26, once lived with 47-year-old actress Louise Fletcher; more recently the son of actor James Mason has been linked with Valerie Perrine, 38. Now an aide in the White House, young Mason saw his reputation as a ladies' man dealt a severe blow when Washingtonian magazine named him as one of the capital's 11 lousiest lovers. (Among the others: Bob Woodward, Ralph Nader and Sen. Larry Pressler.) Despite his history with older women, it was a much younger fan who rallied to Morgan's defense in a letter to the editor. "My name is Amanda Deaver and I'm 11 years old," wrote the daughter of presidential assistant Mike Deaver. "I think it is unkind to say Morgan would be a bad date. If I were his age, I would hope he would ask me to go out with him." Ah, but would she kiss him goodnight?
In His Belfry
As a publicity stunt for his first solo album, rocker Ozzy Osbourne once stunned a CBS Records marketing meeting by biting off the head of a dove. A hard act to follow—unless you're Ozzy. During a recent concert in Des Moines, Iowa, a fan tossed a dead bat onto the stage, and Ozzy predictably decapitated it with his choppers. The crowd was enthralled, but Ozzy's manager-cum-fiancée, Sharon Arden, kept a saner head and rushed him off to the hospital, where he underwent a series of rabies shots. Ozzy's Top 20 hit album, by the way, is called Diary of a Madman.
•Laker Airways isn't the only carrier in trouble. British Airways is being sued by actor Robert (The Paper Chase) Ginty, who claims his seat was broken on a recent flight, forcing him to stand all the way from New York to London. Will he be calling former Chase co-star John Houseman, who played a law professor, for legal advice? Jokes Ginty, "Only if they bring on Robert Morley."
•Prince Charles, 33, says he intends to keep playing polo "until I'm at least 50—that's when my father gave it up. Or I shall go on as long as I still bounce when I fall off."