Reynolds Rap
After watching Barbara Stanwyck on ABC's The Thorn Birds, longtime friend Burt Reynolds sent her a message. "Tell Missy she was wonderful," said Burt, 47. "But she never held my hand the way she held Richard Chamberlain's!" Barbara, 75, returned the message: "Tell Burt he never asked me!" The next day a huge basket of roses arrived at Stanwyck's Beverly Hills home. The note read, "Dear Missy, I'm asking! Your place or mine? Love, Burt." No wonder he always gets the girl.

Classical Gas
Readers of the Boston Phoenix, that city's alternative newspaper, either pay little attention to classical music or they pay little attention to the Phoenix. Last month a bored listings editor ran the following bogus ad: "Andrés Segovia, whose blistering electric solos and mastery of bottleneck blues have made him one of the hottest young guitarists on today's punk/new wave scene, skanks into Symphony Hall tonight at 8. Call 266-1492 to check out our facts." The phone number was indeed that of Symphony Hall, where Segovia, still a master guitarist at age 90, was scheduled to perform. Remarkably, only one curious reader called to ask: "Is that the same Segovia who plays classical guitar?"

Speakes With Forked Tongue
When NBC White House correspondent Chris Wallace accused presidential spokesman Larry Speakes of telling a lie during a briefing on the EPA in February, Speakes first replied, "Well, screw you!" and later snapped "I'm not having anything to do with you, Chris. As far as I'm concerned, you're out of business." Now there's a threat no reporter likes to hear. Happily, says Wallace, tempers have cooled and he and Larry are working together again. Speakes, however, views the reconciliation with less clarity. "I'll call the dogs off," he says, "but it's no! going to be like turning the water back on." Hmm. What exactly does he mean? Explains Speakes, "It's gonna take a long time for the water to run warm." When asked to make himself even more clear, the President's mouthpiece replied with some exasperation, "It's just not like we're bosom buddies." Oh.

Sight Gag
Blindness has not hampered the careers of singers Ronnie Milsap and Ray Charles. Maybe that's why they could joke about their shared disability while performing before some 3,500 fans, including Ronald and Nancy Reagan, at the Country Music Association 25th-anniversary gala in Washington. Said Milsap, before launching into a duet with Ray of I Can't Stop Loving You, "I'd like to introduce a man who has had such an influence on so many of us, this man sitting next to me." Pause. "You are sitting next to me, aren't you, Ray?"

Furthermore

•Lauren Bacall was called for jury duty last year, but she got out of serving because she was busy on Broadway as Woman of the Year. But now that she's not performing, Lauren's lawyer has told her she must comply with a recent summons. When informed of her duty, Bacall queried, "If I serve, will they send a limo?" The jury is still out on that one.

•Last month divorce lawyer Marvin Mitchelson attended a party celebrating his aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary in L.A. "It's couples like you," groused the patron saint of Splitsville, "who make it difficult for people like me to earn a living."

•He may be the leading man in Sophie's Choice and The Pirates of Penzance, but Kevin Kline still plays second fiddle in some circles. Leaving word for a friend at a New York hotel, he told the operator, "Just say Kevin Kline called." The operator gasped, "Not the Kevin Kline?" "I don't know," said the actor. "Which one do you mean?" Proving that not even Kevins come between some folks and their Calvins, the operator replied, "The pants guy!"