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People Top 5
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- December 26, 1983
- Vol. 20
- No. 26
A Random Roll Call, with Appropriate Honors, of Those Who Blew It in the Past Year
To the six sportswriters of the Dallas Morning News, who were beaten on their football picks two weeks in a row by Kanda the Great, a 1-year-old gorilla at the Dallas Zoo.
The Wrong Stuff Award:
To two Camden, N.J. high schools that contributed a science project to the space shuttle—an ant colony. The ants died.
The Mr. Sensitivity Award:
To former Interior Secretary James Watt, for his uncanny facility for insulting the intelligence of Americans of all stripes. First he banned rock music from a Fourth of July concert because it would attract "the wrong element." (He preferred Wayne Newton to the Beach Boys.) Then he called environmentalists "hard-core left-wing radicals" and compared them to Nazis and Communists. Then he appointed a commission that he boasted represented "every kind of mix you can have. I have a black. I have a woman, two Jews and a cripple." Then he quit.
The Telly Savalas Award:
To British punker Peter Mortiboy, an apprentice draftsman who was fired by Rolls-Royce because the firm said his killer coiffure, strengthened with Super Glue, was a hazard to his co-workers' eyes.
The Cleat in Mouth Award:
To Howard Cosell, who, in a typically elegant turn of phrase, likened the Redskins' wide receiver Alvin Garrett, who is black, to "a little monkey."
The Playing the Heavy Award:
To Elizabeth Taylor, who ballooned to 167 pounds during the run of her lamentable stage revival of Private Lives. Under such weight, it was no surprise that the play sank like a rock.
The La Cage aux Foolish Award:
To Willard Scott, who delivered the Today show's weather in drag, as Carmen Miranda.
The Fowl Ball Award:
To Yankee outfielder Dave Winfield, whose warm-up toss in Toronto's Exhibition Stadium accidentally hit and killed a seagull. A charge of cruelty to animals was later dropped.
The Davy Jones Award:
To Dennis Conner, sullen skipper of the Liberty, the first U.S. boat to relinquish the America's Cup in 132 years of competition.
A Dolly Parton Training Bra:
To Mariel Hemingway, who got breast implants before appearing as Playmate Dorothy Stratten in Star 80.
The How Do You Spell Rolaids Award:
To Big Apple Mayor Ed Koch, who collapsed from overeating—downing one-and-a-half orders of spaghettis with garlic and oil, veal chops parmigiana, red and white wine and cappuccino—in a single sitting. "It was," he conceded, "a monster meal."
Free IBM Computers to Help Find Profits in High Tech:
To Texas Instruments, Atari, Mattel and Adam Osborne.
A copy of The Peter Lemongello Hype Yourself Handbook:
To Julio Iglesias.
The Moon Unit and Dweezil Zappa Award:
To proud parents Betty and Vernon Daub of La Luz, N.M., for naming their newborn son Zip A-Dee-Doo Daub.
A Harold Stassen Bumper Sticker:
To George McGovern, who's a Presidential candidate once again.
The Getting Too Big for His Britches Award:
To Herve Villechaize, for demanding a fantastic $2 million from Fantasy Island and getting bumped from the show.
The Gold-plated Pia Zadora Award:
To Pia Zadora, for her portrayal of the title role in the year's sleaziest movie, The Lonely Lady, and for the distinction of just being herself.
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