LUCKILY, SHE HAD A BIG BLOUSE: While vacationing in Hawaii Philip Michael Thomas came upon two women fighting by the roadside. It seems they had just been in an auto accident and only stopped battling when they saw him. "My God, it's Miami Vice!" one screamed. When Thomas was asked to sign the back of one woman's blouse, she had her former opponent read the message. Wrote Thomas: "The fragrance of a rose never leaves the hand of the giver. And if you love anything, it will give up its secret."

BUT WON'T IT MAKE THE USHERS BLUSH? Kathleen Turner, who steamed up the screen in Body Heat and Crimes of Passion, makes no apologies for her taste for sexually controversial roles. "America is so puritanical and hypocritical and it seems that anything to do with sex is taboo," she told London's Daily Express. "Should I pretend that I am scandalized about playing a prostitute or pretend that 224 million Americans don't have orgasms? Good sex belongs in the cinema just as much as a good gag."

AND SHE WAS NO BO DEREK: At the fifth-anniversary party for L.A.'s La Cage aux Folles nightclub, Dudley Moore recalled what a drag it was dressing like a woman: "When Peter Cook and I did our show Good Evening in London, I dressed as Joan Crawford every night. But we dropped that sketch when we brought it over to the States. The physical thing is so hard. I always seemed to end up looking like my Aunt Margaret."

PACK YOUR YARMULKE, JUST IN CASE: Bob Dylan, whose spiritual Odyssey has taken him through born-again Christianity and the ultra-Orthodox Hasidic branch of Judaism, is planning a summer concert tour with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. When a reporter in Los Angeles asked Dylan, "Are you going to be Jewish on this tour?" Dylan replied, "I'm Jewish only when I have to be."

NOT WITH MY WIFE, YOU DON'T: Sissy Spacek's husband, Jack Fisk, directed Sissy in her new movie, Violets Are Blue—and that includes the smouldering love scenes with Kevin Kline. "I was glad it was me and not someone else directing it," Fisk told the Detroit Free Press. "As a director, you can always say 'Cut!'—which I did, just in time!"

HE HAD AN AIRTIGHT CASE: Character actor John Craig has received a $20,000 out-of-court settlement from Westwood Village Mortuary and American Airlines. Craig accused the mortuary of failing to bring his mother's remains to the plane on time, and then accused the airline of mixing up the flights. Craig was to accompany the body from L.A. to Indianapolis for burial, but when he landed, the coffin was missing. It arrived several hours later, but the worried actor says he didn't find that out until the next morning, only minutes before the funeral. Craig also claimed that insult was added to injury. When he once asked where the coffin was, he says, the airline rep replied, "I hope your mother liked to travel."

GAME, SET, MISMATCH: Griffin O'Neal, Ryan's son and Tatum's baby brother, is happy that his sister is happy with John McEnroe, the Sean Penn of the short white pants crowd. "She's in love, she's going to be married and she's bearing a child," says Griffin, 21. "That's a dream life. I mean, I'd love to marry Martina Navratilova and have kids. We'd probably have some good-looking kids."

THE ANSWER WAS A GLARE: Country singer Tanya Tucker was just leaving an L.A. photo studio when who should be coming in the door but Madonna. Tucker, 27, had never met the superstar and was briefly—and uncharacteristically—tongue-tied. Finally, she blurted out, "Hi, I'm Tanya Tucker, it's so nice to meet you.... Can I just call you Ma?"