WINGING IT: Wearing a figure-fitting gray suit, hard-core porn star Cicciolina (Ilona Staller) made her, uh, maiden speech as a deputy in the Italian Parliament in Rome. It turned out to be an impassioned appeal for obligatory sex education in the classroom. Twice she was reprimanded by the chairman of the House of Deputies, once for calling her fellow parliamentarians "honorable dirty-pig colleagues" and later for referring to former Prime Minister Bettino Craxi as "the little, cuddly rascal." Pleaded Cicciolina: "Let's face it, colleagues, when you experience sexual enjoyment, you become less mean, less aggressive, much more like little angels. And that's how we want our schoolchildren to be, just little angels."

LOVE ME LIKE A ROCK: How fructifies the marriage of Family Ties' Meredith Baxter Birney and her real-life husband, David (Prettykill) Birney? They've been happily married since 1974, after co-starring in the 1972-73 sitcom Bridget Loves Bernie. "The fantasy is that if you fall in love, everything will be all right," says David. But experience has taught him that "falling in love is like a vacation on a Caribbean island. Marriage is like scratching a living from the steep, stony slopes of Sicily. They are really two separate events, and one does the best one can." Does Meredith agree with him? The actress just smiles—at David, for the record.

WELL HELLO, DOLLY: At the Washington, D.C., offices of Cable News Network, a life-size, naked, anatomically correct, female, vinyl blow-up doll—a gag gift left over from a staffer's promotion party—came to rest in a producer's office. It was the same producer's office into which the Rev. Jerry Falwell, arriving to appear on Crossfire, strolled to greet talk show host Larry King. "Oh, look," said Falwell, as soon as he spotted the doll, "it's Jessica Hahn." So much for turning the other cheek.

IDOL IDYLL: At the Cocoanut Grove club tribute to '60s rocker Roy Orbison in L. A., Billy Idol couldn't understand why the man-of-the-hour was so determined to have his photograph taken with him—so he asked. According to Idol: Orbison explained, "Because my son's been trying to get his hair like yours for years." Idol is making his own tribute to '60s rock these days with a chart-climbing cover of Tommy James & the Shondells' 1968 hit, Mony Mony. "It was the first song I ever made love to," says Billy. Well, it certainly beats Dropkick Me, Jesus.

NOT OVER THE HUMPS: Dustin Hoffman finds he still bears the burden of that movie he starred in earlier this year with Warren Beatty, the one with the camel, the parched-desert reviews and a $25 million loss. "My life is divided into two parts," the actor said on L.A.'s KCBS television station. "B.I. and A.I.—before Ishtarand after Ishtar. I did make a hit movie once. It was called Tootsie." Dustin, not to worry—just don't do the I-movie sequel.

REIGN CHECK: No sooner had Bette Davis finished her appearance on a breakfast-time TV talk program in London than the show received a call from the Princess of Wales's office. The Evening News reported that Diana, who'd been having an early morning session with her hairdresser when Davis appeared on the screen, wanted to know if Bette would care to call for tea at Kensington Palace. Not just anyone declines these invitations. "I'd love to meet her," said Bette, 79, who'd endured a grueling round of interviews, "but, honey, I'm just too tired." Davis did send over a copy of her latest memoir, This 'n That. "To Princess Di," the inscription reads. "We in America admire what you have done for the royal family."