>MEETING YOUR INNER POODLE

YOU MAY ASK, WHY ME? WHY SHOULD I run with the poodles? Why not moo with the cows or bleat with the sheep? How will acting like a member of an alternative species change my life?

It won't. Your life is fine the way it is—only you don't know it. How could you? Between the growth work and the grief work, you don't know whether you're coming or going or re-birthing. And now they're telling you to drop everything and run with the wolves. Well, it's okay to stay home.

I'll let you in on another secret: Evolution isn't a terrible thing. All you have to do is look al a poodle. Poodles are descended from wolves. But they've progressed. They know the importance of a good haircut.

PUTTING THE LID ON SELF-IMPROVEMENT

THE BEAUTY OF MY UNIQUE "HEELING Wholeness" program, as channeled directly to me by Ethel, a former lounge singer from Atlantis who was a good 50,000 years ahead of her time, is that you don't have to do anything. No meetings, no newsletters, no embarrassing goddess ceremonies, no camping, no drumming, no howling at the moon. (High heels, however, are a plus!)

Learn to reclaim your Sacred Inner Bitch and honor your mood swings. No more saying "yes" when you mean "no" or "c'mon down" when you mean "gel stuffed." As Ethel says in her infinite woman wisdom, "The purpose of life is to live it."

From WOMEN WHO RUN WITH THE POODLES by Barbara Graham; illustrated by Victoria Roberts (Avon, $7.50)