METAL DEFECTOR
Enfant terrible Ozzy Osbourne would love to scrap metal as a way to describe his music. "All I do is write a bunch of songs, record them with a bunch of guys and put them out," says Osbourne, 42, whose new album is titled No More Tears. "This thing—metal—is confusing. Everybody who plays in a four-piece band with long hair at 900 miles an hour is doing speed metal. The latest one is death metal, which sounds like a constipated moose. In the next few weeks we'll probably have bathroom metal. I've never acknowledged heavy metal. I've been branded the Godfather of Heavy Metal, and I'm not sure how I should take that. I suppose I should start speaking Italian or something."

CHEAP! FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT
What would Saturday Night Live regular Kevin Nealon change about the show? "I'd probably increase my salary," laughs Nealon, 37, who this season replaces Dennis Miller as Weekend Update anchorman. "I'm not complaining, because it's a great job, but I know people that work on sitcoms, and they don't work half as hard as we do. We write, we're here late and all week. It's just kind of frustrating when you know that people who are doing prime time and have a luxurious schedule are getting two or three times what we get," says Nealon. "Jan Hooks was ecstatic when she landed Designing Women. At first Saturday Night Live [seems like] a stepping stone, but five years later, you begin to wonder, 'When is that film going to come through?' "

RECOGNITION RUEHL
With memorable roles in Married to the Mob, Lost in Yonkers and The Fisher King, Mercedes Ruehl is slowly emerging from the obscurity shrouding most character actors. But is she happy about it? "I'm getting recognized more now," says the late-thirtysomething Ruehl. "Also, family you haven't seen in 20 years creep back. And friends from grammar school. The last time you saw them was when they were chubby, redheaded little boys. These middle-aged men come to me and say, 'Remember me? Patrick Flanagan?' And I'm thinking, If you look like that, what about me?"

SIDE BY SIDE BY SIDEBURNS
Beverly Hills, 90210's bookend pinup boys Jason Priestley, 22, and Luke Perry, 26, may be the best of buddies in real life, but that isn't enough to stop Priestley from splitting hairs about whether he or Perry is the real trendsetter. "Hey, I love the guy like a brother," says Priestley, who plays good-guy Brandon Walsh. "I'd take a bullet for him. But let's get one thing straight. I had the sideburns first!"