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Showtime (Sat., Dec. 14, 8 P.M. ET)
C+
Jodie (Little Man Tate) Foster stars as an artist who takes it on the lam after witnessing a mob rubout. Dennis Hopper, who directed, plays a sort of Zen hit man who, as he stalks her, comes to see her as a kindred soul. The film begins sharply but soon goes off the tracks as Hopper grows more interested in showcasing lurid settings and odd behavior than in telling a story. At one point Foster, like Alice in Wonderland, hides in a scale model of a church on a miniature golf course. Both hunter and prey indulge in stilted soliloquies, she into a tape recorder, he into the ether.
With its black humor, casual violence and weird minor characters, this may be the year's most off-the-wall TV movie. It certainly has the most impressive cast: Fred Ward. Dean Stock-well, Joe Pesci, John Turturro and, in cameos, Charlie Sheen, Vincent Price and Bob Dylan.
Fox (Saturdays, 9 P.M. ET)
D+
In this feeble sitcom, Tim Matheson plays a mild accountant hectored by his alter ego, a foot-high apparition visible only to him. Played by crude comic Sam Kinison, this screaming, scabrous pixie goads Matheson to buck authority and enjoy life. Admiring a swinging bachelor, Kinison raves, "Hot and cold running women. Party till dawn. I bet he hasn't changed his underpants in a week. Man, that's living." Zany! Brain-dead!
NBC (Sundays, 8 P.M. ET)
B
NBC tries to get healthy on Sunday nights by hitching its wagon to country music's unprecedented popularity. The only problem is that they oversell the package. Each show starts with a rowdy, barn-burning number with smoke machines, flashing lights and a crowd so pumped up they seem to have wandered over from The Price Is Right. But by the first commercial, the show has settled into a comfortable placidity.
Country artists live in their tour buses. They're not about to act all hopped up just because some network guy with a clipboard and stopwatch says, "Jump down, turn around." Veterans like Clint Black, Randy Travis and Tanya Tucker stick with what got them to the dance. That gives the show a relaxed, confident feel. The segment when all five or six scheduled acts come together for a jam session is particularly kitchen-cozy. This is a likable variety show; just don't believe the hype.
ABC (Sun., Dec. 15, 9 P.M. ET)
C+
ABC is billing the season's first Columbo outing as Peter Falk's 20th anniversary as the cagey, rumpled detective (see story on Falk, page 105). The network is conveniently overlooking Falk's debut as Columbo in the 1968 TV movie Prescription: Murder. But that was on NBC, so I suppose it doesn't count. By the way, Bing Crosby (see box) was originally offered the role of Columbo, and only after he turned it down, did Falk get the call.
This time the loopy-like-a-fox lieutenant is after a flawed jeweler (Rip Torn) who murdered his nephew (Gary Kroeger) for a $30 million winning lottery ticket. The setup is far too lengthy and the mood frivolous right down to Steve Dorff's cartoony score. And suddenly Columbo is an object of desire for every attractive younger woman he bumps into? Now, there's a real mystery. But even a goofy Columbo case like this is undeniably diverting, which may explain why Falk's cat-and-mouse game has enjoyed such remarkable longevity.
CBS (Sun., Dec. 15, 9 P.M. ET)
C
Last week Jessica Tandy starred in a Christmas-themed TV movie on NBC, The Story Lady. This week her husband, Hume Cronyn, gets his turn. In this saccharine story based on actual events, he plays a homeless Philadelphian who forges a friendship with a preppie suburban teen played by Fred (The Wonder Years) Savage.
This being TV, Cronyn is the most energetic, gregarious, well-educated—and, of course, well-scrubbed—homeless person you'll ever meet. A history of alcoholism is glossed over as if it were a 24-hour bug. Even though he lives in a cardboard box, he dresses considerably better than Columbo. Right up through the bathos-drenched ending, this movie encourages us to look at homelessness through a lulling, too-rosy lens.
NBC (Man., Dec. 16, 9 P.M. ET)
B-
Tis the week before Christmas when St. Nick (Lloyd Bridges) discovers he must find a replacement immediately because his 300-year term is just about to run out.
On his quest Santa ventures to New York City, where he meets a friendly Rastafarian (Dear John's Cleavon Little), a washed-up journalist (L.A. Law's Michael Tucker) and a kindly cabbie (Santa Barbara's A Martinez). Alison (Hey, where's my NBC series?) LaPlaca costars.
From the beginning, you can see where this sweet but flaccid fable is going—toward the realm of "happy endings all around and see what the elves in the back are having." But Bridges gives the affair a twinkle as radiant as Rudolph's nose.
BING OR ZING
CABLE PRESENTS CONTRASTING
Christmas celebrations this weekend. During the '60s and '70s, Bing Crosby competed with the King Family by playing host to 13 televised seasonal specials. If you're of a traditional bent, you'll enjoy the way the Disney Channel has woven the warmest moments from these shows into A Bing Crosby Christmas: Like the Ones We Used to Know (Sun., Dec. 15, 9 P.M. ET) with guests including Fred Astaire, Jackie Gleason, Carol Burnett and Michael Landon.
If you're just bent, Pee-wee's Playhouse Christmas Special may be more to your taste. Originally broadcast in 1988 by CBS, this manic, amusing one-hour show has been picked up by MTV (Sat., Dec. 14, 11 A.M. ET and Sun., Dec. 15, 2 P.M. ET). Pee-wee celebrates the holidays with his usual crew (Globey, Chairey, Mrs. Renee) as well as Annette Funicello, Frankie Avalon, Grace Jones, k.d. lang, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Cher, Charo, Little Richard and Magic Johnson. And checking in via Pee-wee's patented viewscreen arc Oprah Winfrey, Whoopi Goldberg and Dinah Shore, who sings an endless version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Pee-wee's arrest for indecent exposure last July salts this rerun with unintended ironies, such as Pee-wee's rationalizing the epic length of his Christmas list to Santa by reminding him, "I've been so very very very good this year. Practically a saint."
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