Unh-uh. Tired platitudes and spurious anecdotes that suggest Fulghum may not have been kidding when he said he hadn't learned anything since kindergarten. (Villard)

A House of Secrets
The former First Daughter gives us a heroine with a dim-bulb dad and a Medea mom who destroys the heroine's purple poetry and wishes she, not her sister, had died. Actually makes you feel for Ron and Nancy. (Birch Lane)

American Psycho
"Surface, surface, surface was all that anyone found meaning in," complains Ellis's numb yuppie cannibal in a line that applies aptly to the creator of this repellant rant. (Vintage Contemporaries)

Flight of the Avenger
In 1944 Navy pilot George Bush was shot down in the Pacific. Rescued three hours later, he returned home and married a nice girl named Barbara. There's not much more to this cream-puff portrait, no hint of the drive that took Bush to the White House. (Harcourt Brace Jovanovich)

Woody Allen
A half over-lightly biography heavy on sycophantic slavering. Lax's research style seems patterned on the parody interviews in Allen's Zelig. (Knopf)

Good Guys, Bad Guys
Dispiriting anecdotes (many recycled from old Hite reports), dopey self-help tests and simplistic advice—just what every woman needs. (Carroll & Graf)

The Runaway Soul
You marvel at the 30-year blizzard of self-obsession that produced this 835-page snowdrift of a novel, but mostly you just want out. (Farrar Straus Giroux)

Happy Endings
In the Washington Post Quinn had bite. In this sodden, steamy novel, she's just yapping. (Simon & Schuster)

A Jaws with tentacles? This giant squid would be more menacing as fried calamari (Oh, the heartburn!) than as Benchley's stupid squisher. (Random House)

I Remember
Glad you had a loving childhood, Dan, but did you have to recount it so droningly? Even in a newscast you don't have to explain an outhouse is a "toilet." Courage, reader. (Little, Brown)

>•KINGSLEY AMIS Memoirs [Summit] •BILL COSBY Childhood [Putnam] •STEPHEN KING Needful Things [Viking] •JUDITH MICHAEL Sleeping Beauty [Poseidon] •KURT VONNEGUT Fates Worse Than Death [Putnam]