DECADENT THOUGHTS
Want Cybill Shepherd to be your valentine? If so, then here's what she's expecting: "Whatever else, I hope this Valentine Day involves a lot of chocolate," says Shepherd, 41, now a bachelorette. "Very fine, wonderful Belgian chocolates. We're talkin' serious white sugar, white death here, folks. My fantasy for a great Valentine Day would be to spend it in bed, with champagne, caviar, oysters, chocolate truffles and, oh, yes, someone I love." And maybe just a little Maalox.

THE UNKINDEST CUT
When he was in high school in Ottumwa, Iowa (pop. 24,800), Tom Arnold was less the class cutup than the class cutout. "I cut so many classes I almost didn't graduate," says Arnold, 32, who, along with his wife, Roseanne, and Bill Cosby, Howie Mandel and Burt Reynolds, will be urging high school students to stay in school in Class Clowns, an hour-long ABC special airing this Tuesday (Feb. 11). "I cut one day too many, and the principal said to me, 'Tom, if I held you back, then you'd be here next year. And I don't want to do that.' So he let me graduate." Where does one go when cutting class in Ottumwa? "You know, we were stupid," says Arnold. "We'd go to high schools in other towns and hang around."

ALICE DOESN'T DRIVE HERE ANYMORE
Alice Ghostley, 65, who plays addled Bernice on CBS's Designing Women, is that rarest of Los Angeles species, a nondriver (Angelino nonbuickus). "I have my driver's license, but I wrecked the car the first time I look it out [in L.A.]," explains Ghostley, who hasn't taken the wheel since 1969. "It was like lampposts and everything stationary were kind of magnets—I'd head for them. I just lost all courage." Ghostley depends on her husband, actor Felice Orlandi, or the kindness of friends and strangers for mobility. "Every four years, they renew my license," she says. "I have such a clean record. I've received letters of commendation. I got one from the Governor back in the '70s and framed it. I have no moving violations—I never move, that's why."

GRIME DOESN'T PAY?
For his role as a carpet cleaner in his new movie, Mississippi Masala, Denzel Washington, 37, teamed up with a professional rug scrubber for a couple of sessions to learn the business. Have his new cleaning skills impressed wife Pauletta? Not exactly Washington confesses, "I haven't practiced at home just yet."