Our society has lost sight of the value of feminine modesty, Shalit says in her controversial first book, A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue. And young women pay a heavy price for that loss—not only in a climate that she believes fosters date rape, stalking, harassment and body-image problems, but in a loss of control over their own lives and fortunes. "Respect for modesty," Shalit writes, "made women powerful." She adds, "It taught men that you couldn't expect sex right away. You'd have to court a woman, send her flowers, prove that you had a good character."
Not surprisingly, Shalit is praised by conservative thinkers such as George Will—who, referring to her effervescent manner and old-fashioned turn of mind, described her as "Katie Couric with Edith Wharton's brain"—and scorned by feminists such as author and critic Camille Paglia, who has dismissed Shalit's book as "a pastiche of breathless anecdotes, magazine clippings and sonorous quotes from the collegiate reading list."
Shalit (pronounced Sha-LEET) is one of three daughters raised in Whitefish Bay, Wis., by Sol Shalit, an Israeli-born economics professor at the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee, and his wife, Elizabeth, a real estate broker. She made an early splash as a sophomore at Williams College in Massachusetts when she attacked the idea of coed dormitory bathrooms in a 1995 Commentary magazine article titled "A Ladies' Room of One's Own." She argued that many students were uncomfortable with the arrangement but were too afraid of being labeled prudish to complain.
Today Shalit shares a one-bedroom apartment in New York City with her cat Milton. She talked recently with contributor Jennifer Frey.
What is your definition of modesty?
Modesty is a wonderful natural instinct that protects sexual vulnerability in the young and preserves the erotic when you're older. We've been told it's about repression, about keeping women's sexuality in check. But it's not. It's about protecting romantic hope, protecting mystery, having the right to get to know people before you expose your most precious, inner self.
When did we lose that sense?
Ever since the sexual revolution in the '60s, modesty has become taboo. We've been told if you don't have sex, you're a weirdo, and that embarrassment is a hang-up, something to get over. My point is that these natural emotions—reticence and even blushing—are wonderful and important. These are protective instincts, especially in girls.
How has this modesty taboo affected our view of womanhood?
Once you banish the idea of feminine virtues like modesty, patience or temperance, what's left is totally superficial—things like breasts, lipstick, being good in bed instead of just being good. If you compare girls' private diaries from 100 years ago to today, you see that back then they berated themselves for not being a better friend or a better daughter. Now it's all physical: "I want to get new contacts," or "I want to lose 10 pounds." I think that's kind of sad. It's no wonder girls feel out of control. There's always someone thinner than you.
What is the result of this change?
We have 5-year-old girls dressed like Spice Girls asking their mothers, "Am I sexy?" There's way too much sexualization early, when girls need to be given a sense of confidence and integrity instead. If you have that, you're not going to be easily swayed by anyone, sexually or otherwise. Instead we teach kids that everything's fine as long as you use a condom. The first thing you learn in sex education is that there is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. That leads to the notion that sex is no big deal, which disenchants people about sex and increases sex brutality.
Are you saying our culture of immodesty makes boys more aggressive and leads to such things as date rape?
Well, we've given up civilizing boys. I disagree with those who say feminists are exaggerating about increased sex brutality. It's definitely a problem, but the real culprit, I think, is pretending that the sexes are the same. Boys get to college, and they're taught that girls are just the same as they are. So they don't understand when a woman says "no."
What about women who enjoy sex—girls who just want to have fun?
Girls do want to have fun. But the problem is that sex for sex's sake often isn't as much fun as women expect it to be. Modesty protects fun and flirtation. Modesty is about admitting that you can be moved by someone and inviting him to try.
So, modesty is actually sexy?
One of the myths we're told is that modesty is the same as prudery. But unlike prudery, modesty actually defends eroticism. There's nothing erotic about a nude beach where little is left to the imagination.
Doesn't a return to modesty also imply a return to second-class citizenship? Might we jeopardize the gains women have made over the past 30 years?
I don't buy that argument. We can be intelligent and pluck out those things we want to keep and those we want to discard. Returning to an appreciation of the importance of mystery and civility means making women more powerful at home and in the workplace. The early feminists understood this. It is only recently that we've had this crazy notion that promiscuity is liberating.
Do you see any evidence that modesty may be making a comeback?
Yes. Plenty of women—and men—are finding themselves drawn to things like swing dancing and Jane Austen movies. Today's kids are struggling with their parents, who grew up in the '60s. The actress Natalie Portman recently told W magazine that her mother tells her to show more flesh. Basically, she likes these little coats and dresses modestly. I find that fascinating.
How much of a role does Hollywood play?
In Hollywood, women are presented as more powerful when we're sleeping around. Actresses like Sharon Stone and Demi Moore present the ideal woman as a sexual aggressor or femme fatale. But I don't generally look to Hollywood for my moral exemplars. I look more to my mother and grandmother.
What do you look for in a partner or a date?
Hmm...I'd prefer these things to remain mysterious.
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