Her new book, The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony, is based on a wealth of connubial statistics and interviews with 60 survivors of short-lived unions. Paul's conclusion: Today's young adults haven't a clue about how to make a marriage work. "We live in a matrimania culture," she says. "There's a lot of focus on the wedding day, but we give little thought to the 50 years that follow." One important factor, says Paul, is that so many gen Xers are children of divorce and lack models of lasting marriages. The author herself, who grew up in Port Washington, N. Y., was 4 when mom Carole, now 62 and an ad writer, split from dad Jerry, 63, who owns a construction company.
Like many of those she studied, Paul, who remains single and lives in Manhattan, hasn't given up on wedded bliss. "I hope," she told PEOPLE correspondent Bob Meadows, "I will meet the right guy at the right time, and it will last a lifetime."
How do you define "starter marriage"?
I'm talking about marriages that last five years or less and end before children arrive. Who wants to think of their marriage as a starter marriage? The term sounds frivolous, but everyone I interviewed took their marriage seriously.
So what went wrong?
A lot of people got married for questionable reasons. It was frightening how many women told me they felt they shouldn't turn down a marriage proposal because an offer might not come again. There were couples who had been together since college, on this slow trudge to the altar. I had men say, "It was easier to marry her than break up." People didn't listen to their gut instincts. Some even told me, "The moment I walked out of the church, I knew I'd made a huge mistake. But I couldn't give up on it now."
Did you have that same foreboding about your own marriage?
No. I wish now I had given it more thought and talked to other people about our problems. One of the scary things is that people operate in isolation in marriage—they're afraid to talk about the bad things. And then it turns out that in four out of five divorces, one partner makes the decision unilaterally.
Why are gen Xers so eager to be married?
Research shows they're subconsciously rebelling against the baby boomers, with their emphasis on individualism and independence. My subjects embraced the institutions the boomers rejected. Also, in the recession of the early '90s many gen Xers felt adrift, and during times of instability, marriage seems safe. The problem is that we're not used to long-term commitment and sacrifice. People in their 20s today, one minute they graduate college, then they become a dot-commer and they switch jobs three times. Then the tech boom fails, and they decide to go to Nepal and trek for a year. If you get married in the midst of that, how likely is it that a person you're with is going to want to make all those leaps with you?
You can see this phenomenon clearly with celeb starter marriages. Uma Thurman had one; so did Madonna. The factors are similar: competing careers, lifestyles that change quickly. It's hard enough for ordinary folks, who don't have the pressure of being on public display.
How can people avoid falling into a starter marriage?
Forget the white-tulle vision—the dress, the flowers, the reception—and ask yourself a lot of hard questions beforehand. Learn more about people whose marriages have failed—and about those marriages that seem to work. Don't expect marriage to make you happy. If you're expecting it to be the ticket to the beautiful house, the perfect kids, forget it. The reality is not only do you have the same ups and downs you had before you got married, but you also have to deal with the ups and downs of another person.
Are you saying, "If you can't do it right the first time, don't do it at all"?
Not necessarily. About a third of my subjects have remarried, and they say they felt much better prepared. A starter marriage is like a starter home: When you leave it, you're going to make sure with the next one that the basement is finished and the insulation is in place.
Saved by the Bell Reunion
The hookups, the meltdowns, the memoires
The case reveals what was really going on what they think of each other now!
