"I'm an exhibitionist," Roseanne Barr acknowledges on this curious new reality series. "I have a huge ego. I need attention." Well, that pretty much sums up The Real Roseanne Show. Good night, folks.
All right, it's not quite so simple. We need to explain what reality means in Roseanne's world. This show follows the comedian and her entourage—including son Jake, son-in-law Jeff, boyfriend Johnny and first husband Bill—as they labor to launch Domestic Goddess, a cooking and lifestyle series starring Roseanne that's slated to debut next month on the ABC Family cable network. Consider this an extended, improvisational promo for that show (which sounds vaguely promising). Or look at it as The Osbournes with fewer bleeps.
The theme is spelled out at the start: Can the former sitcom queen and daytime talk show host make a TV comeback without reconfirming her reputation as a temperamental tyrant? Roseanne's lips insist she wants to be calmer and more considerate this time around, while her eyes say she may start firing the flunkies and smashing the china any minute. Neither side of Roseanne seems real because she always appears to be playing, rather than being, herself. Worse, the character isn't very funny. About the only chuckles in the first two episodes came from watching Jake and Jeff goof off. I can picture them as sitcom slackers, dodging an explosive boss.
BOTTOM LINE: Real waste of time
ABC Family (Sat., Aug. 16,8 p.m. ET)
Last month in ABC Family's Lucky 7, a guy who falsely claimed to have a girlfriend found himself in a put-up-or-shut-up situation when he was invited to bring a guest to a wedding. In this romantic comedy on the same network, Jane (Charisma Carpenter from Angel) impulsively invents a doctor boyfriend to impress her cousin, a gloating bride-to-be. Now Jane has to produce this wonderful man in time to attend the posh nuptials.
Oh, how I long for the day when TV characters realize that honesty is the best policy. Yet I can truthfully say there are a few laughs along the way as Jane runs through a series of blind dates in her search for a plausible companion. (Joe Millionaire's Evan Marriott has a cameo as a loudmouthed reject.) You may even care enough about Jane to take her seriously when she angrily asserts a woman's right not to have a special man in her life—though it turns out she's only flirting with that idea.
The main problem is a meandering subplot in which book editor Jane handles a memoir by an actress (Charmed's Holly Marie Combs) who was her rival back in high school. This story line should have been blue-penciled.
BOTTOM LINE: Fair fluff
Lifetime (Mon., Aug. 11, 9 p.m. ET)
When a drama is ripped from the headlines, it's often ragged at the edges. So it is with this TV movie about Andrew Luster (Boomtown's Jason Gedrick), who disappeared last January while on trial in California for drugging and raping three women. (He was convicted in absentia.) In June, while A Date with Darkness was being made, Luster was captured in Mexico. Suddenly the filmmakers needed a new conclusion, so they slapped a phony-looking beard on Gedrick and shot a perfunctory scene of the fugitive grappling with bounty hunters who take him by surprise.
The rest of the drama is somewhat better than the ending, thanks in large part to Gedrick's effectively creepy performance. Though the teleplay has little to say about how the wealthy great-grandson of cosmetics king Max Factor developed into a sexual predator, Gedrick offers a convincing portrayal of Luster as a man whose cool arrogance exceeds his intelligence.
On the down side, the courtroom scenes are directed with such a heavy hand that you'll wish someone would draft a law against overuse of the fish-eye lens.
BOTTOM LINE: Some good acting in a so-so drama
Sunday, Aug. 10 SEX AND THE CITY HBO (9 p.m. ET) Wedding bells ring for Charlotte (Kristin Davis) and Harry (Evan Handler).
Monday, Aug. 11 WHO WANTS TO MARRY MY DAD? NBC (10 p.m. ET) The reality series ends with Don proposing to the woman picked by his kids.
Tuesday, Aug. 12 MISS TEEN USA NBC (8 p.m. ET) Mario Lopez and Brooke Burns host the pageant from Palm Springs, Calif.
Wednesday, Aug. 13 THE FAMILY ABC (10 p.m. ET) The clan plans a dinner party for guest Susan Lucci of All My Children.
Thursday, Aug. 14 BEHIND THE SCENES: FREDDY VS. JASON E! (5:30 p.m. ET) A look at the making of the hybrid horror flick.
Friday, Aug. 15 THE CHEETAH GIRLS Disney Channel (8 p.m. ET) Raven stars in a TV movie about a multicultural teenage singing group.
Saturday, Aug. 16 BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS NBC (9 p.m. ET) Olympians Picabo Street and Dan O'Brien join actors such as Rena Sofer for extreme sports.
Saved by the Bell Reunion
The hookups, the meltdowns, the memoires
The case reveals what was really going on what they think of each other now!
