Kinkajou

•Seller: PHilton
•Starting Bid: $15
•Item Condition: Feisty!*

•Description: Sick of those boring old teacup dogs? Tired of obeying those stuffy rules and regulations of the California Department of Fish and Game? Then this exotic little critter (I called him Baby Luv, but since it's virtually untamable, renaming is a breeze!) makes a perfect shopping/clubbing companion—just be sure to keep a first-aid kit handy, you know, in case you accidentally impale your cheek onto one of his razor-sharp teeth. Bonus: Greeks dig it!
*(and occasionally vicious)

Case of Cup O' Noodles

•Seller: APaltrow-Martin
•Starting Bid: Two binkies
•Item Condition: What's "condition" mean?

•Description: Mommy says she would rather die than let me eat this stuff. I think it looks kind of yummy, but I don't want my mommy to die. Please buy this from me, please!

Sensitivity Chip

•Seller: JAniston
•Starting Bid: $15.99
•Item Condition: Depressingly new—never used by previous owner

•Description: Dazzle your significant other with newfound powers of caring and compassion. Just have it surgically implanted under your scalp and—voilà!—you'll suddenly see the error of your marriage-dissolving, vixen-dating ways.

Thesaurus

•Seller: KHolmes
•Starting Bid: I'll trade you for a copy of Dianetics
•Item Condition: The plastic wrap's still on it

•Description: Although at first I was so excited to have this amazing resource book, I've been so thrilled with my amazing vocabulary that now I'm so excited for someone else to own it. Really, I'm thrilled about it—it's amazing, an excitingly thrilling amazing dream come true.

Over-the-Hill Nanny

•Seller: No More Temptations Nanny Agency
•Starting Bid: $60,000
•Item Condition: Extremely unseductive

•Description: Give the kids the care they need, without unleashing the beast inside your husband. This top-notch nanny comes complete with unsightly age spots, varicose veins and all sorts of sagging flesh. Our motto is: "We give you peace of mind, nothing more."