4:11 p.m.
My girlfriend [actress Sarah Silverman] and I arrive at my cousin Micki and her husband Eric's apartment in North Hollywood. Last time she had a party, there was a shooting outside. Though I'm not wearing a tux, I am wearing a bulletproof cummerbund just to be safe.

4:12
After about nine seconds of hellos, we turn the television on. Sarah especially enjoys the Oscar preshows. Star Jones [Reynolds] kicks the evening off by informing Hilary Swank, "You are on my list of perpetual Glamazons." I imagine that for Hilary, it's all gravy from here.

5:20
Scarlett Johansson is asked "when choosing a dress, how important is breathing?" Scarlett says, wisely, that it is very important.

5:50
Morgan Freeman wins Best Supporting Actor; Cousin Sal wins $167. Mr. Freeman makes a nice short speech. So short, in fact, that the band that usually plays nominees off when they go too long has to rush back from the bathroom.

4:51
I eat the first of what I know will be many shoebox-size Rice Krispies Treats.

5:13
My cousin Sal is betting on the Awards. He has The Aviator for Best Picture at 2-3, Hilary Swank for Best Actress at 1-6 and Morgan Freeman at 1-3. He definitely has a problem.

5:30
Showtime. I like the opening montage. It makes the show seem very important.

5:45
My uncle Frank was not that impressed with Kid Rock's monologue. My uncle Frank frequently gets confused.

6:03
Beyoncé sings in French with a boys choir. By the end of the song, they're a men's choir.

6:14
Someone named Horst Burbulla wins an Oscar for inventing a crane. Horst Burbulla may be the best name I've ever heard.

6:19
Just before The Aviator wins for Best Costume Design, my son Kevin steps on the remote control, accidentally switching the channel to a new reality show called Gastineau Girls. Though I beg the group to leave it on, they immediately switch back.

6:24
The only person they could find to talk about Johnny Carson is Whoopi Goldberg? Did Johnny even know Whoopi Goldberg? They couldn't at least mix a little Steve Martin in there? Poor Ed McMahon must be furious.

7:09
As Jeremy Irons presents the award for Best Live Action Short, we hear what sounds like a gunshot off-camera. P.Diddy will not be invited back next year.

7:48
I'm sure he's great, but seriously, why must Yo-Yo Ma perform at every Academy Awards show? Isn't this sort of thing the reason why we have PBS?

8:03
For some reason, Sean Penn feels the need to defend Jude Law from an innocuous joke Chris Rock made two hours ago. What the hell happened to Spicoli?

8:05
Hilary Swank wins Best Actress. Cousin Sal wins $83. He seems happier than she does.

8:25
Jamie Foxx wins Best Actor. Everyone was certain he'd win, and yet as they read the nominees, we all suddenly got nervous that he wouldn't. Thank goodness he did.

8:34
Clint Eastwood wins for Best Director. His mother is in the audience, which astonishes everyone. Who knew Dirty Harry had a mommy?

8:38
Million Dollar Baby wins for Best Picture. Cousin Sal loses $500. He finishes the night down $250.

8:45
Though my stomach feels as if it will burst, I eat one more gigantic Rice Krispies Treat. I pack up and head home with every button open.