ABC (Tuesdays, 10 p.m.)
It's summer, and you and your loved ones are probably enjoying the loose, freeing swish of your togas, recently taken out of storage. Which means this is the perfect season to while away six hours on ABC's mindless yet thumpingly entertaining limited series about the rise of Rome's first emperor, Augustus, born Octavius and nephew to Julius Caesar.
Actually great-nephew, but Empire is blithely indifferent to historical fact. I wouldn't have been surprised if Cassius and Brutus killed Caesar by unleashing the decapitating bunny from Monty Python.
The main fictional invention here is that Caesar hires a gladiator bodyguard named Tyrannus (Jonathan Cake). Well, as we all know, Tyrannus flubs his assignment. Dying of stab wounds on the Senate floor, Caesar whispers one last command: Protect Octavius and guide him to power. But that's no easy thing in 44 B.C. Octavius must outwit and outlive not only Caesar's murderers but also his old friend Marc Antony, played by Vincent Regan with an enjoyable hammy panache. Regan has a face of rugged, military manliness that often goes strangely soft and flabby, as if he'd been caught crying after Sleepless in Seattle. Cake, as Tyrannus, doesn't get to do much but scowl with uncomprehending fury: The furrow between his eyebrows funnels in so deep, it looks as if it could suck in his entire face.
Empire casually filches from everything from Gladiator to Elizabeth to Lord of the Rings. Like Frodo, Octavius indulges in petulant fretting over all the trouble he's causing. You wouldn't expect to mentally link the future Augustus with hairy-footed Frodo, but that's the fun of this sort of pop costume drama, along with the hokey-portentous dialogue. "Reason has fled," says the poet Cicero, "and locusts swarm in the city." Thanks, Cicero, but what about poisonous asps? They deliver an unpleasant conclusion to a summit meeting that devolves into an orgy.
Empire is not so much I, Claudius as Me, Octavius.
DRAMA
FX (Tuesdays, 10 p.m. ET)
Reeling from a drinking problem that would give Tennessee Williams pause, firefighter Tommy Gavin (Denis Leary, darkly arch as ever) has been transferred from his Manhattan firehouse to a humdrum Staten Island station where the only action comes from feeding the building's swear jar each time he opens his bitter, sarcastic yap. Meanwhile, his weary wife (Andrea Roth) has fled to Ohio with their kids. "Maybe," Gavin sighs, "it's time for a change." You think, pal?
Thanks to the nimble Leary, ever riveting as TV's most nuanced antihero (sorry, Tony Soprano), Tommy's tenuous struggle for sobriety is even more rewarding than last season's harrowing downfall. While he warily pulls himself together-at one point ravenously gazing into a liquor store like a kid eyeing Christmas gifts-some members of his old crew pick up their own bad habits (including Vicodin addiction and stalking). Watch out for another incendiary season.
REALITY
NBC (Tuesdays, 8 p.m. ET)
So I have this wild fantasy. I'm watching the newest installment of a reality romance show when the designated hot babe declares, "Half these guys are total turn-offs. Tonight's elimination is going to be a blast!"
In my dreams. Because when it comes to reality romance, honesty invariably gets ditched in favor of year-book-worthy mush like "They're great guys and they're sweethearts"—a sentiment courtesy of Anna, the hot babe who doles out dewy-eyed glances and slobbery kisses on the fourth go-round of Average Joe.
The now familiar setup: Hot Babe is blindsided when producers present her with an assortment of freaks (including, but not limited to, an actual circus sideshow freak), geeks and, in one case, an eerily eyebrowed magician. The underdogs then do battle with an opposing group of waxed-chested studs for Hot Babe's heart—all of which adds up to a mildly addictive summer diversion. But back to that fantasy of mine: "You know what?" Anna offers at the end of yet another chemistry-free date, "I can do way better than this." Makes me dewy-eyed just thinking about it.
The Science of Lance Armstrong (Discovery Channel, June 27, 8 p.m. ET)
A physiological dissection of the Tour de France hero, from his heart to his thumb flexibility—everything but a CAT scan of his bike.
2005 BET Awards (BET, June 28, 8 p.m. ET) Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith host, with Mariah Carey, Ludacris and Missy Elliott performing.
Beauty and the Geek (WB, June29, 8 p.m. ET) The competition moves outdoors, where geeks aren't known to thrive, to determine the final two couples.
Days of Our Lives (NBC, June 29, check local listings) Heather Mills McCartney, Paul's wife and an anti-land-mine activist, plays herself in the first of two cameos.
Hit Me Baby One More Time (NBC, June 30, 9 p.m. ET) "Let the Music Play" singer Shannon and '80s band Missing Persons return for their encores.
LOIS & CLARK: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON
Series:
In her prim suits and matching attitude, Teri Hatcher as Lois Lane isn't the scatterbrain we love on Desperate Housewives But even back in the 1993-94 TV season, she reeked of repressed urges—she licks her chops at the hunkiest Superman ever (Dean Cain). Extras: A visual-effects featurette and cast interviews (Cain explains the intricacies of "capeage").
NEWLYWEDS: COMPLETE SEASONS 2 & 3
Series:
Season 1 saw Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson adjust to married life. These next two could have used more time on the homefront and less trailing Jessica at work while idle Nick golfs and surfs, though the editing smartly winks at the disparity. Extras: Fun montages, deleted scenes and a "Happy Birthday, Jessica, From Nick" special.
Get up-to-the-minute celebrity news and photos on your cellphone, iPhone or Blackberry at www.people.com!
