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It's Daddy Dave!

Phone the neighbors! Wake the kids! David Letterman, 56, announces he's going to be a father—and maybe a groom?

It took a moment to realize that David Letterman was not joking during the Late Show's Sept. 12 broadcast. "I have an announcement to make," the host said. "I'm terribly excited about this. I'm scared silly about this. I'm going to be a father." The audience burst into applause, and then Late Show band leader Paul Shaffer asked, "Are you kidding us?"

He wasn't. The news, said an insider, came as a surprise to most of the staff. And while the notoriously private Letterman, 56, and his girlfriend since the late '80s, TV production manager and former Late Night staffer Regina Lasko, 42, won't say if they know the gender of the baby, Letterman did hint that the due date is not far off. The comic, who was married once before, also suggested that he may tie the knot again. "I'll just mention this for the future in-laws," he said on air. "The wedding is still being discussed."

Top Ten Parenting Tips for David Letterman

10 Resist temptation to use child in popular "Will it Float?" segment

9 Take advantage of 2 a.m. feeding to catch up on entertaining Girls Gone Wild informercials

8 Cigar ashes: A great talcum powder substitute?

7 Dr. Phill, you're wanted in obstetrics. Stat!

6 Wait 60 years before taking the Neverland tour

5 Two words to make any new-born bolt upright: "Uncle Regis"

4 Relax! A lot of babies look like Paul Shaffer

3 When reading Madonna's bed-time stories, make certain they come from her children's book

2 Delivery-room videotape equals: ratings bonanza!

1 If it's a boy, don't give Demi Moore his number

ALSO EXPECTING
If David Letterman is looking for a buddy at Lamaze class, he could ask Charlie Sheen, a fellow CBS celeb whose sitcom Two and a Half Men premieres Sept. 22. Sheen, 38, and his wife, actress Denise Richards, 32, are expecting their first child in March. The couple, married in June 2002, will costar opposite one another next month in Scary Movie 3, Sheen has a daughter, college student Cassandra Jade Estevez, 18, from a previous relationship.

Change in the Hair

Maybe they've been watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Or Extreme Makeover, What else could explain the rash of celebs who've recently revamped their look?

GILLIAN ANDERSON
"Gillian thought it would be fun to just wash Scully right out of her hair," says her manager.

JANEANE GAROFALO
"She was looking for a significant change in her life," notes Garofalo's stylist James Alton Thomas.

ALANIS MORISSETTE
"[Cutting my hair] was one of the greatest things I've ever done on a whim," Morissette says.

SCOTT SPEEDMAN
"It feels good," crows Speedman about his new sporty buzz cut.

Troubles Remain for Uma, Ethan

After three weeks of filming the sequel to 1995's Before Sunrise in Paris, Ethan Hawke returned home to New York City last week to face Uma Thurman for the first time since news of a marital rift broke. As Scoop reported (People, Sept. 15), the trouble started earlier this summer in Montreal, when Hawke met Jenny Perzow, 22, who works for a family clothing business, at a local restaurant. A source close to Perzow now says, "She knew he was married, but he made it very clear the marriage was on the rocks prior to anything starting. She's not a home wrecker." The insider notes that Perzow and Hawke are still in constant contact and that "the status of the relationship will be figured out when Uma and Ethan figure out what to do with their marriage."

While Hawke, 32, and Thurman, 33, who have two children (Maya Ray, 5, and Levon Roan, 1), have said there are no plans for divorce, others aren't so sure. "Everyone knows she's going through a hard time and wishes her the best," says Thurman's older brother Ganden. Another brother, Mipam, was less restrained, telling New York's Daily News that he wanted to kill Hawke, adding, "I can't believe what he's done to my sister."

Jessica Simpson on Golf, Tuna and Louis Vuitton

MTV's guilty pleasure, Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica, documents popsters Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's first year of marriage. What's the draw? For starters, there are Jessica's deep thoughts....

ON THE UPS AND DOWNS OF DOING LAUNDRY

"It is fun putting it in, but then you have to fold it."

ON THE PARADOX THAT IS CHICKEN OF THE SEA TUNA

"Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it's tuna. But it says chicken. By the sea."

ON ROUGHING IT

"Is that weird, taking my Louis Vuitton bag camping?"

ON THE AFTERMATH OF DEATH

"Rigor who?"

ON THE MYSTERIES OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

"Why were there mouses?"

ON HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO MASTER GOLF

"My boob gets in the way."

Chong Gets Bonged
Yet another sign that the '70s are over: On Sept. 11 Tommy Chong, who partnered with Cheech Marin in 1978 to create Up in Smoke and other stoner movies, was sentenced to nine months in federal lockup and fined $20,000 for selling bongs and marijuana pipes over the Internet. The severity of the punishment surprised some; two offenders in similar cases were sentenced to house arrest. Chong, 65, told the court that he had kicked his drug habit and redirected his energies into salsa dancing. "I play a loser for laughs," said Chong. "I couldn't make [Up in Smoke] today. I'm not that person anymore." But prosecutors noted that when agents raided Chong's house in February they found close to a pound of marijuana. (Chong was not charged with possession because they couldn't prove it was his.) "He's very upset," says Chong's lawyer Richard Hirsch. "He feels that he's being singled out because of who he is, that he's being punished for his film persona."

Emmy's $30,000 Thank-You Gift

Among the reasons TV's biggest names will be at the 55th Annual Emmy Awards on Sept. 21? Prestige, exposure and...free stuff. A grab bag of goodies given to 90 award presenters; this year's Emmy gift basket, valued at $30,000, includes:

Tempur-Pedic mattresses, worth between $999 and $1,699; Maurice Lacroix watches, valued up to $2,525; a one-year bicoastal membership at The Sports Club/LA, $4,000; a year's supply of Ethel M Chocolates, $300; a Nokia phone package, $825.

POP QUIZ

Will & Jada Smith

Will Smith, 35, and Jada Pinkett Smith, 32, are the executive producers of All of Us, a new UPN sitcom about an extended family much like that of, well, Will and Jada's. Scoop inquired about the similarities.

Who do you consider to be a great dad?

Will: I see guys who make $30,000 a year and work two jobs and are out in the park on a Saturday afternoon with their kids. And I look at my father, and how he was able to keep four kids fed and clothed and still managed to find time to spend with us.

Jada, what's it like working with Will?

Jada: We work very well together. We are partners. We are parents. We are lovers. We are best friends.

How many children do you have?

Will: One more in about nine months! [laughs]

Jada: Will and I have three children. We have two biological children together [Jaden, 5, and Willow, 2], and I have one bonus son [Trey, 10, from Smith's first marriage].

What is a bonus son?

Jada: I don't like to use the terms stepmother or stepchild. So I look at Trey as being a bonus when I married Will. I refer to him as my bonus child. And I am his bonus mom.

Do your kids watch TV?

Jada: They don't really watch television. They are movie watchers. They pick a specific movie and they'll watch it for three months.

How will the show mirror your life?

Will: We have episodes that deal with children's clothes going back and forth [between houses]. You know, the jacket will go back and the pants will stay at one home, and then there is a big blowout argument about it.

Will, what does your ex-wife think of the new show?

Will: She knew that it was loosely based on our experiences. She just suggested that we keep it loose.

ON THE BLOCK

ROSEANNE'S ROOST
PRICE: $8.9 million
PLACE: Palos Verdes Peninsula, Calif.
SPECS: Let's hope Roseanne has better luck in real estate than reality TV. The actress, whose The Real Roseanne Show was recently canceled, is selling her 10,000-sq.-ft. home with panoramic views of the Pacific, a pool, gazebo, gym, steam room and wine cellar. The grounds also feature waterfalls and multilevel ponds.

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