Kirstie Alley's Big Life

A&E, March 21, 10 p.m. ET/PT |

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REALITY

Stop the insanity, Kirstie! The Emmy-winning Cheers actress has been eclipsed by a dieting woman of a certain age. Her career revolves around whether she's losing or gaining. She even has her own line of weight-loss products. A few years ago she starred in Fat Actress, a Showtime comedy in the Larry David mold-Curb Your Appetite. Big Life, her new show, is like a single-serving Celebrity Fit Club. Alley, so unhappy with her weight she prefers to hear it expressed in the British unit "stone," slims down at home, along with her obese handyman. In the first episodes, her moans are just as often caused by paparazzi shots as by exercise. Oh, and she likes to feed her pet lemurs. I'm not exactly feeling the burn of creativity here.

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution

ABC, March 26, 9 p.m. ET/PT

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REALITY

Famed British chef Jamie Oliver brings his gospel of nutritious cooking to Huntington, W.Va., which the Associated Press labeled the unhealthiest community in America. Even though Oliver is generally as genial as a Mike Myers character, he's sobbing with frustration by the end of the first episode. We don't feel much sympathy for him. He's right, sure: The women in the school cafeteria probably shouldn't serve pizza for breakfast. But they can't seriously be expected to just fall in, as if this were The Day the Earth Stood Still and he were Klaatu with recipes.

Life

Discovery, March 21, 8 p.m. ET/PT |

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NATURE

Eat, Breed, Prey could be the title of this gorgeous natural history documentary series, a companion to Planet Earth (only with less geology). Narrated by Oprah Winfrey, Life glories in some wonderfully weird species. Not only does the male Japanese mudskipper (a fish) crawl on land, but he knows how to build tunnels and carry oxygen to buried eggs. I'm surprised he doesn't install storm windows. This same biological drive for life unites all life, ants to lions. Informative and fun.

>1 DANCING WITH THE STARS

MON. 3/22 8 P.M.

ABC

New season. Get out yer paddles, Carrie Ann Inaba!

2 CASTLE

MON. 3/22 10:02 P.M.

ABC

Desperate Housewives' Dana Delany guests as a federal agent.

3 UNITED STATES OF TARA

MON. 3/22 10:30 P.M.

SHOWTIME

Toni Collette is back, split personalities intact.

4 FLY GIRLS

WED. 3/24 9:30 P.M.

CW

A new reality series about five flight attendants based in Los Angeles.

5 KIDS' CHOICE AWARDS

SAT. 3/27 8 P.M.

NICKELODEON

Taylor Lautner is up for favorite movie actor. Of course he is!

>• The singer, 48, was invited by pal Courteney Cox Arquette to appear on three episodes of ABC's Cougar Town. She arrives March 24.

YOU PLAY?...

A woman in her 40s who's a wine dealer. There's a little romance with Grayson (Josh Hopkins).

DID COURTENEY COACH YOU?

I said, "What if I'm not funny?" And she said, "Don't worry, just be yourself." She's been there every step.

EVER DATE SOMEONE YOUNGER, A LA COUGAR?

I am extremely immature. It's always worked in my favor to date someone younger.

YOU DID 30 ROCK LAST YEAR. ANY OTHER SHOWS YOU'D LIKE TO BE ON?

Friends, but that's not going to happen now.

HOW'S YOUR SON WYATT, 2?

He's great. He spent a week with his cousins (in Missouri) and he came back, and now he's picking his nose. He's entering the I-want-to-be-like-my-older-cousins phase.

>• On TLC's documentary series Addicted, hope floats on an ocean of pain. Interventionist Kristina Wandzilak, steering clients into rehab, is a terse, weathered woman who scarcely blinks-she knows looking away solves nothing. Not as good as A&E's Intervention, but still powerfully sad.

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>Edie Falco's strong acting spine supports a superb ensemble in Showtime's Nurse Jackie, returning March 22. Nothing much seems to have been resolved from season 1, but-as with the show's revolving patients-there are new complications. Chief among them is a male nurse who's a recovering addict. He instantly spots Jackie as a kindred soul.

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>• When she's not playing counter-terrorism expert Dana Walsh, the actress, 29, tackles her own tough issues: TLC or MTV?

A BABY STORY (TLC)

It's lovely: The couple are preparing for the baby; there's tears and joy, then when the baby comes, the mom is screaming at the top of her lungs! It's the best birth control ever.

LIFETIME MOVIES

I did one (2007's How I Married My High School Crush) so that I could be included in a marathon once in my life. At Christmas I'm like, "How many Eddie Cibrian movies can I watch?"

JERSEY SHORE (MTV)

I refused to watch, and my friends said, "You have to." I've never seen such horror! I want to turn it off, I'm so disgusted with myself. But I can't!

>1 DANCING WITH THE STARS

MON. 3/22 8 P.M.

ABC

New season. Get out yer paddles, Carrie Ann Inaba!

2 CASTLE

MON. 3/22 10:02 P.M.

ABC

Desperate Housewives' Dana Delany guests as a federal agent.

3 UNITED STATES OF TARA

MON. 3/22 10:30 P.M.

SHOWTIME

Toni Collette is back, split personalities intact.

4 FLY GIRLS

WED. 3/24 9:30 P.M.

CW

A new reality series about five flight attendants based in Los Angeles.

5 KIDS' CHOICE AWARDS

SAT. 3/27 8 P.M.

NICKELODEON

Taylor Lautner is up for favorite movie actor. Of course he is!

>• The singer, 48, was invited by pal Courteney Cox Arquette to appear on three episodes of ABC's Cougar Town. She arrives March 24.

YOU PLAY?...

A woman in her 40s who's a wine dealer. There's a little romance with Grayson (Josh Hopkins).

DID COURTENEY COACH YOU?

I said, "What if I'm not funny?" And she said, "Don't worry, just be yourself." She's been there every step.

EVER DATE SOMEONE YOUNGER, A LA COUGAR?

I am extremely immature. It's always worked in my favor to date someone younger.

YOU DID 30 ROCK LAST YEAR. ANY OTHER SHOWS YOU'D LIKE TO BE ON?

Friends, but that's not going to happen now.

HOW'S YOUR SON WYATT, 2?

He's great. He spent a week with his cousins [in Missouri] and he came back, and now he's picking his nose. He's entering the I-want-to-be-like-my-older-cousins phase.

>• On TLC's documentary series Addicted, hope floats on an ocean of pain. Interventionist Kristina Wandzilak, steering clients into rehab, is a terse, weathered woman who scarcely blinks—she knows looking away solves nothing. Not as good as A&E's Intervention, but still powerfully sad. [

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]

>Edie Falco's strong acting spine supports a superb ensemble in Showtime's Nurse Jackie, returning March 22. Nothing much seems to have been resolved from season 1, but—as with the show's revolving patients—there are new complications. Chief among them is a male nurse who's a recovering addict. He instantly spots Jackie as a kindred soul. [

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]

>• When she's not playing counter-terrorism expert Dana Walsh, the actress, 29, tackles her own tough issues: TLC or MTV?

A BABY STORY (TLC)

It's lovely: The couple are preparing for the baby; there's tears and joy, then when the baby comes, the mom is screaming at the top of her lungs! It's the best birth control ever.

LIFETIME MOVIES

I did one [2007's How I Married My High School Crush] so that I could be included in a marathon once in my life. At Christmas I'm like, "How many Eddie Cibrian movies can I watch?"

JERSEY SHORE (MTV)

I refused to watch, and my friends said, "You have to." I've never seen such horror! I want to turn it off, I'm so disgusted with myself. But I can't!