Paula Abdul: My Secret Battle

Thursday April 21, 2005 12:00 PM EDT

During her battle with pain, "everything that was joyous to me was removed from my life," says Abdul. Today, "it's like I'm brand new again."

Marc Royce

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When Paula Abdul hit the American Idol Web site last weekend, the show's "nice judge" was in for a nasty surprise. "I started to read the message boards and saw one of them had to do with me seeming weird," says Abdul, whose antics during the current Idol season have ranged from frequent on-air dancing to boundless gushing. "One said I was on drugs. Another described me as acting like I was spaced out. Then someone else criticized me for being animated – they wrote something like, 'Look at Paula dancing up there with the contestants. Only someone on drugs would do that.' It was so hideous and mean. Drugs? I'm not addicted to pills of any kind."

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