Rosie vs. The Donald: Our Critic's Plea for Peace

updated 01/10/2007 at 03:00 PM EST

originally published 01/11/2007 12:45PM

You might think someone in my profession would salivate at the prospect of a mudslinging feud between two over-the-top television personalities like Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump. Oh, is that what you think? Because let me tell you, I hold in each of my hands two barely palpitating halves of what was once a whole heart.

Yes, the escalating pain of the Donald vs. O'Donnell fracas – particularly Donald's leaking of that letter where he said Barbara Walters made a reference to "lying down with pigs" – has broken me.

Where's the joy, Rosie? I like you singing the praises of musicals, of Barbra Streisand. And you, Donald: You may be getting your name in the headlines, but were ratings for the new Apprentice very promising? What good is your golden apple if it is full of bitter ashes?

I want peace, guys! We have so much trouble in the world already, so many wars. A settlement could probably be brokered by Barbara Walters. Or, if it's her day off, one of her many powerful friends. But here, I offer a simple plan for peaceful co-existence:

1. Donald should not only visit The View, he should become a regular on The View.
He isn't a woman, no, and I assume Barbara Walters would prefer to keep the panel single-sex. But I was touched by his tone of compassionate patience recently on David Letterman when he discussed Miss USA-in-rehab Tara Conner. I think he might actually be able to sit like a kindly old sage during one of Elisabeth Hasselbeck's sputterings. Hmm, how would he look as Mrs. Doubtfire?

2. Rosie should be the new Carolyn Kepcher on The Apprentice.
Carolyn was always so forbidding: I thought she looked like a peregrine falcon with the hood just removed. In the boardroom, Rosie would supply advice and wisdom drawn from her family life, her acting career and her repertory of comic impersonations, both proper or not. Imagine the warmth! The chuckles!

3. And please, Donald, no more use of the word "degenerate."
It's been applied so often to TV critics, it barely has any meaning anymore.
MORE ON: Rosie O'Donnell

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