Courtney Love says she used to be addicted to the idea of physical perfection – but she's kicked the habit.
"[The] addiction to the idea of 'perfection' has infested my life in the past and I'm over it," she writes on her moonwashedrose.com
Web site. "It's never, thank God, infected my music but it has affected my outward appearance and self-esteem."
In a rambling, typo-strewn, 1,000-word early morning posting on her discussion board, Love talks about her weight, Buddhism, being a "Beverly Hills mom housewife who likes to tour" and her healing chants for a computer hacker who tried to blackmail her.
"I seriously feel like a caged lion who has been in her cage way too long," writes Love, 42, who has been working on a new album and hopes to play concerts in Los Angeles, New York City and London in June. "But I need to clean up this old reputation and these guys all love the record but I need them to see I'm not off the rails anymore."
Love's appearance became a hot topic among online blogs after she was photographed looking newly svelte
in Hawaii last month. Her rep said she'd lost the weight by following a macrobiotic diet and exercising.
But critics soon claimed she'd undergone gastric-bypass surgery, which she denied on her Web site. And on Monday, at a party for the HBO documentary Helmet by June
, she told PEOPLE
she'd dropped 52 lbs. by drinking 1,200-calorie Isopure shakes during the day, eating fish and vegetables at night, running on a treadmill and doing Pilates and yoga.
In her latest Web post, Love again addresses the weight issue. "I see these pics and something must be wrong with me 'cos I know what I weigh and I still don't feel quite thin enough," she writes. "I'm going to go for 10 more pounds and then I'll maintain at that.
"I'm doing weight training and Pilates and more tough stuff so I can tone more. You lose this much weight and get saggy skin and I'm in no mood for saggy anything, thank you very much," she adds. "So I need to firm up and get my butt in shape and tummy and arms, and do the heavy lifting. ... I'm a rock star and my job isn't to be perfect."
Love, who acknowledges the difficulties her publicist faces each time she writes something controversial, says she hopes to help others if she can.
"I'm really determined to be a source of strength and inspiration to anyone who's really been to the bottom of hell and lived to tell and come back again," she writes, "as an integrated whole person who celebrates my own flaws and is non-judgmental of others' wounds or craziness."