Britney Spears Says She Was at 'Rock Bottom' in Rehab
05/29/2007 AT 12:15 PM EDT
In a nearly 900-word message, the singer, 25, addresses such topics as her stint in rehab, the pressures she's under, the realizations she's made over the last year, and the blessings of having children.
"Recently, I was sent to a very humbling place called rehab. I truly hit rock bottom," she writes. "Till this day I don't think that it was alcohol or depression. I was like a bad kid running around with ADD [attention deficit disorder]."
To cope, she says, "I had a manager from a long time ago come in and try to direct me and my life after I got my divorce. I was so overwhelmed I think that I was in a little shock too. I didn't know who to go to. I realized how much energy and love I had put into my past relationship when it was gone because I genuinely did not know what to do with myself, and it made me so sad. I confess, I was so lost.
"This letter is to not place blame on anyone, although I do see the world with a completely different set of eyes now. Being in that vulnerable state and taken to dinners and parties with friends and finding out later you paid for everything was a huge learning lesson for me. I think the whole problem was letting too many people into my life," she writes.
"I am having to face a lot of things right now since I have children of my own. A lot of insecurities from when I was little are coming up again. It is like we are never good enough.
"I know everyone thinks that I am playing the victim, but I am not and I hate what is going on right now so much. Maybe this is the reason for this letter ... to maybe allow people to look at me differently. It is like when you are a real woman and say what you feel and how you think things are supposed to be, that people just say you are a 'bitch.' "
Explaining her recent behavior, she says, "I think it is actually normal for a young girl to go out after a huge divorce. I think it was a bigger issue because I had not gone out in such a long time. I am 25 and I do still have a lot to learn, and I am going to make mistakes everyday, and I am sure every mistake I make will probably be on CNN or Good Morning America. I am only human people and I love you for still loving me."
As for the backdrop of these musings, "I am sitting here at home and it is 6:25 and both of my sons are asleep," she says. "I am truly blessed to have them in my life. Everyday is so surreal. Life in general is so surreal and crazy."
In closing, she says, "I just hope this letter made some of you think a little bit more of me and where I am coming from. I just want the same things in life that you want ... and that is to be happy. It is just so weird because everyone has their own perception of me and how they think I really am. … I guess we will never really understand or figure out life completely. That's God's job. I can't wait to meet him ... or her."
She signs it, "Love, Britney."