"From the minute Tom and I were married, I wanted to have babies," Kidman, 40 (and 22 when she met Cruise), tells Vanity Fair for its October issue. "And we lost a baby early on, so that was really very traumatic. And that's when we would adopt [daughter] Bella," now 14.
In the interview, Kidman is described as cryptic when she goes on to say, "There's a complicated background to that, given that I never speak much about many things. One day maybe that story will be told."
Two years later, the Cruises (who were to divorce in 2001, after nearly 10 years of marriage) adopted son Connor, now 12.
Asked how it felt when she won her 2003 Best Actress Academy Award, for The Hours, Kidman (interviewed in her Sydney home, while she and costar Hugh Jackman are shooting Australia) says, "It felt big. It felt lonely and big. You're in a hotel and you're like, okay well, I'm sitting in this big suite with an Oscar, and I still don't have a life. What is wrong with me? It hit home that I needed to get a life. Who do I jump on the bed with, and celebrate with, and order pancakes with?"
She adds, "That was painful, not having that person to share it with. That's why it was more for my mom and dad and my kids. But even the kids were young enough that they were like, 'Oh, cool. Over. Move on. Not interested.' "
Patrick Demarchelier exclusively for Vanity Fair
They married on June 25, 2006; four months later, he was in rehab.
"It was just another twist in my life: Here it goes. Hold on, and off we go!" she says of Urban's treatment. "But it was very painful, deeply painful. We were in a very, very, very bad, painful place, and have managed to step through it, and I hope that gives some people some hope who may be in the same place. And that's enough said. Anything else is overindulgent and unnecessary right now. And I think it jinxes it, in a way, and that's why I don't go on about my enormous feelings for this man."
Still, Kidman – who admits she's "yearning" to give birth, and that Urban "has been getting there slowly" – also says, "I've learned an enormous amount having a relationship with someone who is in recovery. I'm more than willing to walk it with him. The two of us are very committed to our relationship."