SEINLANGUAGE 101
5 credits. Profs. Seinfeld, Kramer, Costanza, Benes. (Teacher-to-student ratio: approx. 1 to 8 million.) Meets Thursday evenings, 9-9:30; makeup sessions of past lessons available (see weekly Course Catalog Bulletin—TV Guide). Students learn by immersion. Required texts: Superman comic books, Breakfast at Tiffany's, J. Peterman catalog. Films (mandatory) include Midnight Cowboy, The English Patient, JFK, Prognosis Negative, Sack Lunch and Rochelle, Rochelle. Lab drill: Friday mornings at the water cooler. Among the terms you will learn:
ANTI-DENTITE
Someone who hates dentists; Kramer castigates Jerry for being one
B.B.O.
Smell on wheels: a tenacious car stink Beyond Body Odor
BIZARRO JERRY ET AL
Elaine senses a twin-win situation when she decides to trade Jerry, Kramer and George for this doppelgang named after Superman's antihero counterparts. Not to be confused with lookalikes for Elaine, Kramer and George who star in the NBC pilot Jerry
BOSCO
George's ATM code—and maybe the key to his soul. (Kramer's Costanzanalysis: "What kind of man are you? Well, you're weak. Spineless. A man of temptations. But what tempts you?...The cocoa bean!...If you could, you'd guzzle it by the gallon. Oval-tine! Hershey's! Nestlé's Quik!") Also the dying word of J. Peterman's mom (played by The Wedding Singer's rappin' granny)
BUBBLE BOY
A lad equally deprived of a) an immune system and b) manners who lives in a plastic-sealed world sanitized for his protection—or maybe just to keep people from taking a whack at him
BUCK NAKED
The stage name George says he'd use if he became a porn star
CAN'T SPARE A SQUARE
T.P. or not T.P.? Elaine, stalled in the ladies' room without the essential, sends out a roll call to her flinty-voiced neighbor but receives this reply
"CAN'T-STAND-YA"
George Costanza's hated high school nickname
CHANGE TEAMS
What Elaine wants a handsome gay man to do; he stays with his team—not that there's anything wrong with that
CLOSE-TALKER
He's polite, he's charming, he's in your face—so close you can feel his tonsils vibrate
COVENANT OF THE KEYS
Unwritten urban treaty broken by Kramer when he helps himself to Jerry's apartment one time too many
DEAF DATE
Opposite of a blind date: rendezvous with someone you've seen, but not heard
DOUBLE DIPPING
The chip hits the fan when George's snack-table faux pas casts a pall over an otherwise convivial funeral
FESTIVUS
A festival for the rest of us, invented by George's father, Frank, as an alternative holiday. Requires an aluminum pole and a father-son wrestling match before dinner
FRIENDS-IN-LAW
Hand-me-down acquaintances; friends of friends
GOOD NAKED/BAD NAKED
After his girlfriend strains her way through a variety of unattractive around-the-house activities in the buff, Jerry decides that no nudes can be good nudes
HAND
You have to have the upper one in a relationship
HIGH-TALKER
Vocal she-man whose voice registers as a woman's over the phone
"HOW WAS YOUR DAY?"
From a male perspective, the only topic of conversation left after you get married
INVENTIONS
Elaine—-The Urban Sombrero; mandatory Manhattan name tags
Kramer—A fragrance that smells like the beach; a coffee-table book about coffee tables; a roll-up tie dispenser; many more
George—Breakup line "It's not you, it's me"; pudding-skin singles
Morty Seinfeld (Jerry's father)—the Executive, a heirless raincoat
IT
What "moved" during a rubdown from another man, alarming George; what Phil "took out" during a first—and last—date with Elaine
JIMMY LEGS, THE
That nighttime twitching-tossing-mussy-bed-so-Kramer can't-rest phenomenon that afflicts his girlfriend Emily; Frank Costanza had a similar problem with Estelle, who suffers from jimmy arm
KAVORKA
Animal attraction possessed by Kramer; seems to work only on Latvian Orthodox nuns
KISS HELLO
Sincerity-challenged greeting Jerry despises
KRAMERICA
Business for which Kramer requires an intern, even though an NYU administrator says the firm consists of nothing more than "a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken"
LEAVE-BEHIND, THE
Lame Costanzian attempt to put a down payment on a second date by hiding an object at a woman's apartment during first date
LOW-TALKER
Unable to hear her, Jerry just says yes to Kramer's whispery-voiced girlfriend—only to find he has agreed to wear the puffy shirt on national TV
MAGIC LOOGIE THEORY
Intricate explanation of how a single expectoration launched by angry New York Met Keith Hernandez could possibly have hit both Kramer and Newman after a disastrous game; almost as complex as the magic-bullet theory detailed in the movie JFK
MAKEUP SEX
Spectacular sometime by-product of breaking up. Trumped only by conjugal-visit sex or fugitive sex
MANSSIERE, AKA THE BRO
Chestal support for the over-endowed male, invented by Kramer and modeled by Frank Costanza
MASSAGE TEASER
Professional masseuse who, while dating Jerry, will sleep with him but refuses to give him a massage
MASTER OF YOUR DOMAIN
Title acquired after completing a period of bodily self-denial in "The Contest"
MEANINGLESS INTERJECTIONS
"Sweet fancy Moses!"— Jerry and George, when awed
"Get out!"—Elaine, incredulous
"Giddyup!"—Kramer, enthused
"Hoochie Mama!"—Kramer, shocked
"Yo-Yo Ma"—Kramer, after being kicked in the head by Crazy Joe Davola
"Serenity now!"—Frank Costanza, under stress
MIMBO
A male bimbo; Elaine's interest in one proves females are as superficial as Jerry
MULVA
One of the many possibilities Jerry tries when he can't remember his date's name—Dolores—but is told only that it rhymes with a female body part. Among Jerry and George's guesses: Aretha, Bovary, Celeste and Gipple.
MUST-LIE SITUATION
Typified by viewing an ugly baby whose parents ask, "Isn't he gorgeous?"
"NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT"
Open-minded footnote, perpetually appended to George and Jerry's insistence that they're not gay lovers
POP-IN, THE
Dreaded, potentially awkward impromptu visit from love interest
PRE-EMPTIVE BREAKUP
Strategic split launched solely to acquire hand
PUFFY SHIRT
Embarrassing garment that Jerry accidentally agrees to wear—then mocks mercilessly—while being interviewed by Bryant Gumbel
RE-GIFTER
One who gives as a gift something he received as a gift—a label maker, perhaps
SCHMOOPIE
Cloying term of endearment ("You're Schmoopie!" "No, you're Schmoopie!"), which, when used by couples in public, causes friends to run away screaming
SEINFELD, JERRY
"Joke boy" (Newman); "a very bad man" (Babu); "a guy who's about 5'11". He's got a big head and flared nostrils" (Kramer)
SEXUAL PERJURY
Call it lying in bed: Jerry's term for Elaine's faked enthusiasm during sex
SHIKSAPPEAL
Mysterious power that attracts Jewish men to non-Jewish women like Elaine, especially at bar mitzvahs
SHRINKAGE
George's ego, and more, recedes after he takes a dip in cold water: Jerry's girlfriend sees him buck naked and then tells George's girlfriend
SIDLER
A guy who sneaks up behind Elaine to share credit for her accomplishments; the Stealth fighter of office politics
SOUP NAZI
Tough-talking stew spooner whose cowering clients fear the judgment that is his most terrifying weapon: "No soup for you!"
SPONGEWORTHY
Elaine's criterion for whether to sleep with a guy in the face of a shortage of her favorite contraceptive
STABWORTHY
Spongeworthy's Fatal Attraction-like cousin: Elaine is turned on when she finds out a guy stood her up because he was knifed by his girlfriend
SWITCH, THE
Theoretically possible (say George and Jerry), practically suicidal idea of breaking up with one woman in order to date her roommate
TAR THE
Embarrassing signal of incompetent lovemaking
"THESE PRETZELS ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY!"
Kramer's only line in a Woody Allen movie; controversy over delivery gets him fired
YADA, YADA, YADA
To cut a long story short, an ellipsis. Advantage: succinctness. Disadvantage: Crucial information may be left out. A very versatile phrase: e.g., George was engaged to Susan, yada, yada, yada, George is no longer engaged
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