10/01/1979 at 01:00 AM EDT
Lola Falana wrapped her long fingernails in masking tape, cooing, "How can I massage my man without these? He's not gonna want to hear, 'I had a hard game, honey.' " Grant Goodeve of Eight Is Enough asked to be called Grant Good Moves. John Ritter kissed a referee after a scuffle.
What it was wasn't football, really, but 37 hams in pursuit of a pigskin at the celebrity grid classic, which raised some $45,000 for the Boys' Club of Hollywood. After Burt Reynolds dubs some semi-tough commentary, ABC will air the game November 5.
Once nonplayer Walter ("I'm too old to cut the mustard") Matthau supervised the coin toss, first-half touchdowns by Ted (Love Boat) Lange, LeVar (Roots) Burton and ringer Dodger first baseman Steve Garvey came with 10-minute regularity. Most of the gridiron gags were staged shtik, but no one in Palisades High stadium kicked. Former Washington Redskins and L.A. Rams coach George Allen finally guided "Allen's Army" to a 30-20 win over onetime Oakland Raider coach John Madden's "Maulers." The real loser was actor Norman Fell. As in The Ropers, he saw little action, but left the field with an injury. "I cut my hand," grieved Norman, "on a can of Gatorade."