updated 02/28/1983 AT 01:00 AM EST

originally published 02/28/1983 AT 01:00 AM EST

Lame Duck
Former President Gerald Ford hobbled in on crutches when he arrived for a speech at the University of Michigan library that bears his name. No, he didn't fall down and hurt himself, as Chevy Chase might want us to think. He had surgery for a chronic knee problem. During his pre-dinner remarks, Ford decided to try out a few golf gags he borrowed from buddy Bob Hope. "Bob says I have made golf a combat and contact sport," he said. "He says I'm the only person he knows who can play four golf courses at once...that I'm a hit man for the Professional Golfers' Association...that my game is so bad, I once lost two balls in the ball washer..." Sounds like Jerry might want to consider a career as a stand-up—or fall-down—comic.

Texas Excess
There are football fans, and then there are Dallas Cowboy fanatics. D.L. Faulkner and his son, Danny, are two such men. D.L. is a sixth-grade dropout who became a house painter. He moved on to grander jobs, such as painting and decorating the boxes (also known as "inner-circle" suites) in Texas Stadium. Then he made a killing in real estate. That's how the Faulkners were able to afford to buy one of those suites last month. The man they bought it from, a former judge, reportedly had paid $50,000 for the 35-yard-line vantage point 15 years ago. The Faulkners ponied up a cool million.

Man-Made Snow
The producers of this week's NBC movie Cocaine: One Man's Seduction had a minor technical problem. The script called for snorting the stuff before the cameras. Obviously they couldn't have the stars, Dennis Weaver and Pamela Bellwood, sniff the real thing. So they substituted a look-alike baby laxative that dealers use to cut the drug. Bellwood sniffed and snorted her way through 12 takes. By then she was supposed to look high and happy. Instead she felt nauseous, since baby laxative isn't meant to be inhaled. When Weaver heard about the fake drug's side effects, he insisted on using something else. After much searching, another substitute was found: white vitamin B1 powder.

Rock of Ages
Kiss, the outrageous rock group, has been under fire and brimstone from Bible-toting fundamentalists on its 100-city American tour. In Chattanooga, for instance, a Baptist school principal said that the group was out to "fill the minds of our children with the desire for rebellion, witchcraft, satanism, drugs and sexual perversion." So it was no surprise when, at a gas stop in Fargo, N.Dak., a 16-year-old girl ran from her parents' car to the band's bus, carrying a Bible. She gave it to the driver and said it was for guitarist Paul Stanley. When he opened the Good Book, Stanley found an inscription: the girl's phone number.

Rock of Ageless
When a British newspaper interviewer met Linda Ronstadt, he couldn't wait to ask her about drugs and sex and the wild life American rock 'n' rollers are supposed to lead. "Drugs and sex?" Linda demurred. "Come on now, I'm 36. Could I still look like this if I'd led the life they all say I have?"

Heartless No More
Pvt. James S. Bum-garner finally has been awarded the Purple Heart he unintentionally earned in Korea. It's 32 years late in coming, but, as Bumgarner (who later dropped the "Bum" from his name) points out, "It's better to receive this now than posthumously." The 54-year-old actor—who's about to begin filming a military movie called Tank—had mentioned on TV that a bureaucratic bungle deprived him of the medal. The Army heard about it and set the record straight, although, in his case, the wound wasn't as glorious as the award. "I got it in the backside," Garner relates. "I went into a foxhole headfirst, and I was a little late."

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