Picks and Pans Review: Pink Motel

updated 07/04/1983 AT 01:00 AM EDT

originally published 07/04/1983 AT 01:00 AM EDT

Not even roaches should check into this one. The story consists of five couples shacking up for a few hours, and that's it. All of it. The writing, by M. James (TV's White Water Rebels) Kouf Jr., is much more inventive and quirky than Mike (Satan's Cheerleaders) MacFarland's tediously amateurish direction. Yet both Kouf and MacFarland were working with an inoperable idea. It is impossible to care about the couples: a horny pair of high school virgins; a married attorney and his mistress; an impotent footballer turned on by a beauty who's turned pro; and two slick jerks who double up in a room with a pair of bimbo pickups. Mild hanky-panky aside, there is no action. The cameras never move. Maybe, though, they're just asleep, which would be understandable. Scenes drag on, and there are only a few redeeming moments. The female teenage virgin, for instance, has come equipped with more "protection" than NORAD; the slick-tongued stud has a doctor's bag loaded with mood-setting cassettes, glossy autographed photos of himself for his conquest—and leopard skin underwear; the hooker (Cathy Sawyer-Young) does a magnificent strip while her jock treats her to a jittery replay performance of his last big score—on the field. The only lingering question, and it doesn't linger for long, is how did Phyllis Diller and Slim Pickens, who play the motel owners, get talked into appearing in this? (R)

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