Cabbage Patch Kid
updated 12/26/1983 AT 01:00 AM EST
•originally published 12/26/1983 AT 01:00 AM EST
PHASE ONE: In Earth Year 1977 a global cerebro-scan, undertaken on orders of Committee for Intergalactic Action (CIA), identified Xavier Roberts, 21, sculpture student in Cleveland, Ga. (pop. 1578), United States of America (pop. 234.2 million), as earthling with optimum mix of ingenuity, greed and fearless compulsion to be cute. Concept of Cabbage Patch Kids was inserted in Roberts' thought forms. Unaware of intergalactic control, drone Roberts rapidly produced a cloth-covered, soft-sculpture doll in form of partly melted human baby with zap-happy eyes and big fat cheeks that lent it expression of imploring potato.
PHASE TWO: Roberts was programmed with ingenious scheme to market the little monsters, each hand-sewn and hand-painted by local artisans, as live human babies. Strategy: to make CPKs desirable by making them unique, troublesome to acquire and weird looking—just like human babies. Naming his factory Babyland General Hospital, Roberts announced that 1) each CPK was "born" in hospital's "delivery room," and 2) though it could not be bought, it might be "adopted" for fee of $125.
PHASE THREE: Number of adoptions grew steadily. By Earth Year 1982, Roberts had fathered more than 250,000 "Little People"—male/female, white/black/yellow—and hospital staff had expanded to 150. In 1981, adoption fee for babies equipped with mink-lined buntings jumped to $1,000.
PHASE FOUR: Roberts was motivated to ask giant corporation named Coleco to undertake mass reproduction. Sensing a winner, Coleco agreed to generate new breed of Little People at hospitals in Far East. Subcontracts were let for mass production of CPK clothes, cosmetics, cribs, strollers, toys, books, records, etc. Computer-designed so that no two could turn out alike, new breed was born with vinyl (instead of cloth) skin on face, and in June 1983 was offered to public at thousands of "adoption centers" all over U.S. Adoption rate soon accelerated far beyond predicted norms.
PHASE FIVE: By October 1983, in words of one human observer, U.S. was caught up in "epidemic of idollatry." For last six months of 1983, adoptions will exceed 2.5 million. Average parent now adopts three Cabbage Patch Kids. One woman has taken in 97—at cost of $2,425. Coleco has hired jetliners to ferry 200,000 CPKs from Hong Kong to U.S. every week, plus armored cars to carry them to adoption centers. Yet all over U.S., centers have run out of Kids. Frustrated and furious, public is paying many times usual fee ($25-$30) for black market babies—when any are available.
WARNING! Shortages of adoptees may quickly break momentum of Operation. Either fickle U.S. public will lose interest in Little People, or attractive counterfeits, now appearing in large numbers, will dilute CPKs' share of market. If this happens, Operation Cabbage Patch Kids will self-destruct and CONQUEST OF EARTH MAY BE INDEFINITELY DELAYED!
ATTENTION! There is one sure way to prevent disaster. ONE MILLION GENUINE CABBAGE PATCH KIDS MUST BE DELIVERED TO ADOPTION CENTERS BY DEC. 24! Since hospitals on Earth cannot fulfill this quota, request High Command to SET UP EMERGENCY DELIVERY ROOMS IN OUTER SPACE AND LAND CPKs ON EARTH AT USUAL SITES!
Wave is rolling! Urge we ride it! Mania for CPKs already spreading to Japan and Western Europe. Within six months, fifth column of 15-to-20 million Little People may be discreetly inserted in homes all over Earth. At strategic moment, microscopic seed pods secreted in navels of CPKs may be activated under cover of darkness. In less than one hour they will grow to full size and by morning will multiply into intergalactic strike force of 500,000 storm troops, armed and programmed to take over planet Earth.
REQUEST IMMEDIATE REPLY. Also: request slight change in plan for disposal of human race. Suggest preservation of small number for breeding purposes. Though harmful in large numbers, individuals might make amusing dolls for intergalactic children.