Picks and Pans Review: The Mystic Warrior

updated 05/21/1984 at 01:00 AM EDT

originally published 05/21/1984 01:00AM

ABC (Sunday, May 20, 8 p.m. ET)

Huh? Five hours of "Huh?" is all you get out of this terribly odd mini. There are countless great stories in the history of the American Indians, all worth miniseries. This isn't one of them. This is TV's own Heaven's Gate, the most successful attempt thus far at putting stick figures on the small screen. Robert (Eating Raoul) Beltran stars as the son of chieftain Nick Ramus and his wife, Victoria Racimo. These Indians speak a strange kind of Pidgin English gone pompous: "He paints a vision-picture for his father-friend." Listening to it all, you begin to feel as if you've walked into the middle of an est seminar, unsure about what it all means. The dialogue, though, is easier on the ears than all the war-whooping, the wailing and the music, which sounds like something from a seasick Mormon Tabernacle Choir. There are many painful efforts to make this a mystical experience: Indian braves floating through space, a magical white buffalo popping up here and there, a gruesome scene in which a brave pierces his chest so he can tie himself to a tree. Huh? There is no plot. There is no acting. There is no good reason to sit through this. (Part Two airs Monday)

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