Picks and Pans Review: Red Sonja
The title sounds as if this movie is about a communist spy, or maybe a new flower. No such luck. It's about Sylvester Stallone's companion, Brigitte Nielsen. She plays a warrior maiden on a mission of revenge in the days of swords, magic and low-cut warrior-maiden outfits. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the warrior boyfriend who wrestles with killer machines and does the heavy lifting. Sandahl (Conan the Barbarian) Bergman is a wicked queen, Paul (Dune) Smith is a jester and Ernie Reyes Jr. is a boy prince. All the other actors are so awful they make Schwarzenegger seem pretty good. The romantic chemistry between Arn and Nielsen is what you would get if you fixed up a dumpster with a mulberry bush. But that's hardly the point, which is mayhem. Heads are lopped off, landslides rumble, lava flows, people leap on one another, and swords clang relentlessly. It seems fitting that when they kiss, Schwarzenegger and Nielsen almost miss; she ends up kissing his chin while his nose bores into her forehead. (PG-13)
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