Wade a Minute! Garfield the Horse Goes Off the Deep End
Overheard at poolside:
"Look, am I one of the family or aren't I?"
"Of course you are, Garfield. But the pool is for people."
"Great. Are there any other exclusive rules you haven't mentioned?"
"It's not a rule. It never came up before. We never thought you'd want to use the pool."
"Well, I do. Why don't you quit yapping and bring me that float with the hole in the arm for a gin and tonic?"
"You're not getting a gin and tonic. It would make your fetlocks buckle."
"Swell. You can lead a horse to water, but you won't give him a gin and tonic."
"We didn't lead you! You jumped in during that bad storm last night."
"I know that. You know that. But does the ASPCA know that?"
"Be reasonable. If we let you use the pool, all the other horses will want to use the pool."
"You don't have any other horses, and no wonder. What kind of a name is Garfield for a horse? You'd probably call the next one Lassie. Listen, if the float's out, just get me an inner tube and a straw hat. And untie that damn rope, I need to practice my crawl."
"This pool just isn't big enough for all the neighbors' horses."
"Did I tell you to build a pool only 36 feet long? Did I?"
"And you've already kicked a hole in the vinyl liner at the deep end. Why did you jump in there, anyway?"
"I got sick of feeling left out."
"Garfield, give me the truth here."
"Okay, so the storm scared me a minute, I don't have a roof over my head or had you forgotten? Listen, if a crummy inner tube is too much, just bring over a little Bain de Soleil and my shades. A horse could fry in this glare."
"Look, you're our horse..."
"I'm not your horse, I'm Angela's. If this is such a terrible infringement, how come she isn't throwing me out?"
"Angela's 13. She doesn't understand things like this. Frankly, it's non-negotiable. There are seven men on their way with a ramp. And that nice vet's coming, just to check you over."
"I am not going to a shrink."
"Look, Garf, be cooperative. You can't even swim very well."
"Yeah, and you never saw a horse fly, ha-ha."
"And they're bringing carrots. Your favorite food, carrots?"
"Big deal. I'm not leaving without at least one game of water polo, followed by a gin and tonic."
"Garfield, they're here. Make it easy on yourself."
"Plenty of carrots?"
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