HE'S ALWAYS ON THE CUTTING EDGE OF HUMOR: John Cleese is amazed by the preferential treatment he gets as a Monty Python and Fawlty Towers star. "In New York, once," he said, "I got into the Metropolitan Museum on the day it was closed. That was a great perk. But having let me in, they insisted on assigning a guard to me. They thought that although I was well known enough to be allowed in on a Monday, I wasn't well known enough not to slash the paintings."
A MOVIE WITH SOME BITE TO IT: As far as Kris Kristofferson is concerned, it's better to receive than to give. While shooting a fight sequence for his new film, Trouble in Mind, he accidentally punched co-star Keith Carradine in the mouth. But while Carradine only required eight stitches, Kristofferson spent two weeks in the hospital. "I cut my knuckle on his tooth, it got infected, and I came close to dying," he says. "They say more people die of human bites than snake bites, and I believe it. They put me in intensive care, and people with amputations and heart transplants were getting out faster than I was."
YOU GOTTA READ BETWEEN THE LIES: Commenting on his widely reported liaison with Tina Turner, rocker Bryan Adams claims the affair is pure fiction. Interviewed on London radio, he speculated that the media created the romance because "people want Tina to be in a relationship." The reports not only bothered Adams, but gave him pause. "If the press makes up things about me," he said, "just think what the politicians are going through."
BESIDES THAT, MRS. LINCOLN, HOW WERE THE SEATS? Selling briskly in Washington, D.C., these days, are the recently replaced, notoriously uncomfortable chairs from Ford's Theatre—exact duplicates of the ones used in Lincoln's time. Senate Whip Alan Simpson has bought two of the $500 seats, planning "to put them in my office so people won't get too comfortable." Former Sen. Howard Baker is inflicting the pain on himself. "I'm going to put mine by the phone," he says. "It'll help keep the bills down." One of the biggest buyers is Merv Griffin, who purchased 10 chairs for his conference room, figuring, "It's the only way to keep the story sessions from going on forever."
THEY WON'T BUOY HIS SPIRITS: Lou Holtz doesn't expect the press to be overly optimistic about his first season as Notre Dame's football coach. "If I could walk on water," he says, "the headlines would read, 'Lou Holtz Can't Swim.' "
A FOWL PLAY ON WORDS: According to Bert Valencia, a marketing professor at Lubbock's Texas Tech University, American advertisers often alienate Hispanic buyers with laughably bad translations. For example a cigarette's claim of "less tar" has been turned into "less asphalt," while Budweiser, the "king of beers," has become known as the "queen of beers." A female model who says, "I take care of myself with Bayer," is now asserting, "I don't get pregnant with Bayer." But the most mangled slogan is Frank Per-due's. "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken" has been rendered as "It takes a sexually excited man to make a chicken sensual."