Worst of Song

updated 12/22/1986 AT 01:00 AM EST

originally published 12/22/1986 AT 01:00 AM EST

True Confessions

The Andrews Sisters as told to the Chipmunks.

Third Stage

It was a great year for guys from Massachusetts to throw away golden opportunities, though at least the Patriots and Red Sox weren't so pretentious about it.

The Flag
Rick James

The funkmeister gives a half-mast performance that nobody is likely to salute.

The Bridge
Billy Joel

To mix a couple of metaphors, this is a construction you're better off burning before you come to it.

True Blue

Help wanted: rapidly cooling-off hot property needs career guidance expert. No preachy papas need apply.

Class of '55
Carl Perkins, Jerry Lee Lewis, Roy Orbison and Johnny Cash Elvis, you didn't miss much.

Get Close
The Pretenders

Chrissie and the boys complain so much they seem to be doing The Misanthrope as a rock musical.

Dirty Work
Rolling Stones

The worst fears of the Baby Boomers come true: If the Stones are sounding this old and tired, what does it say about their original fans?

The Knife Feels Like Justice
Brian Setzer

A Stray Cat's meow turns into the musical equivalent of kitty litter.

Landing on Water
Neil Young

In this dismal piece of self-flagellation, when you come to the track about a highway accident, you've found the upbeat stuff. This is just what you need when you're headed for a desert island and have to leave behind only one album.

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