Dear Diary '95

updated 12/25/1995 at 01:00 AM EST

originally published 12/25/1995 01:00AM

Dear Dam-You-to-Perdition Diary! That may be how former Sen. Bob Packwood feels about the 8,000-page journal that contributed to his downfall this September. Packwood was disgraced not just by the revelation of entries detailing his sexual exploits but by his nattering on about such topics as blow-drying his hair and what he ate for brunch (baked apples). And this was the edited diary! Here, PEOPLE peeks inside the leather covers of some of the more problematic celebrities of '95.

LARRY FORTENSKY
DEAR WHATEVER: EVERYONE SAID A MARRIAGE TO LIZ TAYLOR CAN-NOT LAST, AND NOW I GUESS THEY ARE RIGHT, DID I SIGN THAT PRENUPTIAL? SHE'LL GET HALF EVERYTHING: HALF MY BRICKS, HALF MY CEMENT PLUS THE TRUCK ON WEEKENDS. I GUESS I SHOULD OF KNOWN BETTER, MARRYING A STAR WITH BAD HIPS I AM RUINED.

LONI
A DELIGHTFUL, SUNNY DAY WITH A LIGHT BREEZE AND LOVELY FLEECY CLOUDS. BURT DERANGED, AGAIN. THOUGHT I WAS THE VIETCONG AND BEGGED ME NOT TO BLOW HIM UP. HE IS SO EMOTIONALLY NEEDY, IT HURTS.... FAXED OPRAH.... WENT SHOPPING.

BURT
TODAY I CAUGHT LONI WALKING IN WITH A HAND GRENADE. I CALMLY TALKED HER INTO REINSERTING THE PIN—AND THEN THE DAME WENT SHOPPING!.... PHONED IN A TIP TO THE ENQUIRER.... LOUSY WEATHER, NOTHING BUT, RAIN AND WIND.

ANN LANDERS
DEAR DIARY: I MADE A CRACK ABOUT THE POPE, AND NOW I'M ON THE ROPE. HOW MANY LASHES OF THE WET NOODLE DO I DESERVE? SIGNED, CHURCH LADY.

DEAR CHURCH LADY: IS THIS A PRANK WRITER FROM YALE, OR IS IT ANN AGAIN? YOU MUST HAVE GOT UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE PEW THIS MORNING. MAKE IT A THOUSAND LASHES, DEAR, OF THE THICKEST, LONGEST LINGUINE YOU CAN LAY HANDS ON.

COURTNEY LOVE
DEAR DIARY: **$#%$ YOU! JUST BE GLAD I WRITE IN YOU INSTEADA KICKIN' THE %$S@! OUTTA YOU LIKE THESE %*!*+#! FANS. I THUMB THROUGH YOU, AND YOU'RE SO FULLA SO MANY DISGUSTING &*#X! ENTRIES, IT MAKES ME SICK.

ONE QUICK THOUGHT, THOUGH: WHAT IF I DID MY HAIR LIKE ALICIA SILVERSTONE'S?

GOTTA GO. %$#%$% IT!

HUGH GRANT
DEAR OLD FELLOW: I'VE BEEN RUNNING THROUGH SOME REUNION SCENARIOS.

1. "ELIZABETH! DARLING! CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?"

2. "ELIZABETH? DARLING? MUST YOU KICK ME WITH SUCH A POINTY SHOE?"

3. "I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. IT'S MY MUG SHOT ON A COFFEE MUG!"

4. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'THERE'S A MISS BROWN, AND SHE'S WAITING IN THE MORNING ROOM?' "

MOUSE
DEAR DIARY: TODAY I HEARD THE MAN IN THE WHITE COAT TELL THE WOMAN IN THE WHITE COAT THAT THE GENE INJECTIONS HAD WORKED AND MY WEIGHT IS LOOKIN' GOOD—DOWN TWO OUNCES—BUT THE MUSCLE TONE IS POOR. THEY SENT IN A TRAINER, A HAMSTER NAMED ALDO. NOW MY TAIL IS KILLING ME.... HAPPENED TO GLANCE OVER AT THE NEXT CAGE TONIGHT, AND THERE'S MELBA WITH A HUMAN EAR COMING OUT OF HER BACK. "LOOK—I'M ALL EARS!" SHE SAYS "HA, HA, HA," SHE'S A NUT CASE.

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