In the words of Tom Hanks, hero's what I know. What was right about the Academy Awards telecast? The clip montages. What was wrong? Don't get me started. Two and a half hours of tedium went by before we got to the categories that mattered. Memo to the Academy: Steal a page from the various soap-opera award shows and expand the number of acting categories (Best Villain, Best Comic Performance, etc.). Except for the people actually sitting in the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion, no one cares about excellence in Sound Editing. Whoopi Goldberg, carrying on in the hubristic tradition of Billy Crystal, seemed to think the show was all about her. Memo to the Academy: Bring back Johnny Carson or someone else who understands the accommodative role of host. Then there were all those lofty, self-impressed acceptance speeches. Hey, save the bluster for your A-list Malibu brunches. Oscar night should be for us lowly ticket buyers, a pageant of simple sentiment and obscene ostentation.