Now the decline of the British Empire is complete. After 21 years as host of Masterpiece Theatre on television's Public Broadcasting System, Alistair Cooke, 83, has announced he will retire at the end of the year. Without the suavely avuncular British-born broadcaster and journalist manning the oversize armchair, Masterpiece Theatre will never be the same. Who will keep us company on Sunday nights? Who now will guide us through the sticky wickets of British class distinctions, servants, tea, piped blazers, Oxford accents, caning and the World Wars as seen from Over There? In searching for a new host, Masterpiece Theatre might want to consider the following candidates:
CHARLES, PRINCE OF WALES
Credentials: Underemployed, has actually read all the books
Sample Opening Monologue: "The history of our splendid isle cannot be separated from its architecture, its noble people and its rolling moors. But I suppose you only want to know about my wife."
Series Most Excited About: Charles's Victory Garden (Part the First: "Plants as Confidantes")
J.DANFORTH QUAYLE
Credentials: May need a new job
Sample Opening Monologue: "Don't you spell that T-H-E-A-T-E-R, not R-E?"
Series Most Excited About: Murphy Brown Gets Married
L.L COOL J.
Credentials: Sense of rhyme, would broaden audience base
Sample Opening Monologue: "I'm L.L. Cool and I'm here to say/Don't dis Brit lit cuz it's def OK!/They talk a lot about important stuff/But just as often they're in the buff!"
Series Most Excited About: Queen Mum's Gonna Knock You Out
ED MCMAHON
Credentials: Large, genial, should be available between Star Search segments
Sample Opening Monologue: "Ha, ha, ho, ho. High-YO! Heeere's Brontë!"
Series Most Excited About: The Four Wives of Johnny the Great
REGIS PHILBIN and KATHIE LEE GIFFORD
Credentials: Fabulous chemistry, boundless enthusiasm
Sample Opening Monologue: Regis: "Gosh, more tedious tales of lesbian nurses in war-torn London."
Kathie Lee: "Reeege!!!!"
Series Most Excited About: Princess Diana's Favorite Soap Episodes
DENNIS MILLER
Credentials: Needs a job, has Eurotrash haircut
Sample Opening Monologue: "So what can I tell ya? If this little quasi-epic is boring, I am outta here."
Series Most Excited About: Madame Bovary: Just the Good Parts
STYLVESTER STALLONE
Credentials: Macho star, wears glasses, uses big words
Sample Opening Monologue: From the sequel to I, Claudius: "Yo! Hadrian!"
Series Most Excited About: Rambo Goes to Eton
JOAN COLLINS
Credentials: British, female
Sample Opening Monologue: "Welcome to my set, darlings! Have you ever seen so many books? I started out in the theater, you know, and it has always been my passion...."
Series Most Excited About: Nell Gwynn: The King's Mistress
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