Just Zip It!

updated 12/28/1992 AT 01:00 AM EST

originally published 12/28/1992 AT 01:00 AM EST

So, SINÉAD O'CONNOR, whom haven't you managed to offend lately? You dissed the Pope on Saturday Night Live and, thank you very much, offered us an opinion on Mike Tyson's rape conviction. "I don't care if he raped her," you proclaimed, calling Desiree Washington, the victim, "a bitch." Even MadonnaMadonna!—finds you in bad taste. Next time you have something on your mind, save it for your hairdresser.

Hello, CHARLES BARK LEY! Does the expression "Ugly American" ring any bells? The country cheered when the Dream Team won the gold in Barcelona. But the things you said! "I'm going to start whipping some foreign ass," you barked to non-Americans. We, too, got a special hello."I miss America," you noted. "I haven't heard about any good shootings lately." Next time you represent the U.S., keep your foul shots to yourself.

BARBIE, you're a doll, but your computer-chip voice gave the wrong signal to girls, whining, "Math class is tough." Besides, how many Nobel Prizes has Ken won?

May we suggest, BARBRA STREISAND, that you stick to lyrics that have music attached—and that were written by someone else. It was painful to hear you gush over your momentary heartthrob, tennis ace Andre Agassi, "He plays like a Zen master. He's...very evolved, more than his linear years." All together now: "Mem'ries..."

How come you're not on the air much anymore, ARTHUR KENT? Is it because you picketed NBC News, handing out fliers blasting its "brute stupidity"? Not many people get ahead calling their bosses "s—heads," which is what you did during an assignment dispute. Saddam Hussein didn't go nuclear. You did, Mr. Scud Stud.

Thank you, YOSHIO SAKURAUCHI, for your keen, incisive—and, may we say, incredibly diplomatic—analysis of America's economic problems: "American workers don't work hard enough...but they demand high pay." Is this why they made you speaker of Japan's house of representatives—so you could just, well, speak off the top of your head? Keep this up, and we'll send George Bush back to Japan for dinner—and make you sit next to him!

Come on, MARGE—are you hateful or just plain dumb? You deny calling two of your Cincinnati Reds "my million-dollar niggers" but won't deny tossing off terms like "Jap" and "money-grubbing Jew." "It was only kiddingly," you explain. Were you joking when you said, "Hitler was good in the beginning, but he went too far"? Oh, Marge, SCHOTT up!

BOBBY FISCHER, where have you been? After two decades, you surface in Yugoslavia calling your chess competitors "dogs." While beating Boris Spassky, you had the right to remain silent. But you didn't. "Bolshevism is a mask for Judaism," you decreed—then insisted you were not anti-Semitic. Try a reality check, mate.

From Our Partners