Picks and Pans Review: Osmond Boys
In polite society, the general rule of thumb—articulated most eloquently by Bambi's friend Thumper—is that if you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all. This makes a review of the debut album by the newest batch of performing Osmonds difficult.
However, in the interest of filling the allotted space, here are the nice things that can be said about the first record from four sons, aged 11 to 14, of Donny and Marie Osmond's brother Alan:
•The tough guy poses on the cover don't make them look too much like New Kids on the Block. (Helpful hint: There art five New Kids, and one wears a ring in his nose.)
•The sugary-sweet dance-pop songs on the record are perfect for people who think Phil Collins is too funky.
•The Boys' bleached and polished version of the Four Tops standard "I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch)" should make the people who program the music you hear in supermarkets and on elevators very happy.
•The cover versions of their famous relatives' cutesy-pop hits "Hey Girl" and "I'm Still Gonna Need You" help you get over that nostalgic longing for the good old days of'70s bubble-gum rock.
•The fact that the Osmond Boys do some rapping on the heavily synthesized mid-tempo tunes "Trust My Love" and "The Minute I Saw You" suggests that rap really is dying.
•The Twinkie-metal song "All Tied Up" will make a nice item for a time capsule, so future generations can remember when members of the Osmond clan sang a tune with a double entendre about bondage.
•Finally, the album contains a lot of music that goes down easy with mayonnaise and Velveeta on Wonder Bread sandwiches. (Curb)