Picks and Pans Review: For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge

updated 08/05/1991 AT 01:00 AM EDT

originally published 08/05/1991 AT 01:00 AM EDT

Van Halen

Welcome to Now You're, like, Cooking, the world's only rock and roll cooking show. Today, we're going to make a new version of that old favorite, Metal Casserole à la Van Halen. Follow the recipe closely; don't experiment and clean up as you go along.

For flavor, toss in a large helping of screeching lead vocals. Sammy Hagar can supply this ingredient, along with plenty of dumb lyrics about sex, girls and, well, more sex and more girls. It's imperative that Hagar not see the humor in his macho lyrical posings; otherwise you might not get that familiar metal taste in your mouth.

For texture, add a few quarts of jarring guitar chords, the sort that attack the ears like a power drill. Eddie Van Halen's guitar work is like flour: Sprinkled heavily throughout, it holds every Van Halen recipe together.

Now, fold these ingredients in to 11 separate songs. Most should be overly long and bland, with such names as "Runaround" or "In 'N' Out." Make sure a couple are lively, catchy rockers like "Poundcake" and "Top of the World." Half-bake for an hour and serve as an appetizer. This is a dish that's easy to swallow because it tastes familiar, but it will never fill you up.

Tomorrow, we'll learn to make Ozzy's Bat Under Glass. (Warner Bros.)

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