Picks and Pans Main: Picks & Pans
12/26/1988 at 01:00 AM EST
Sorry, this block is zoned for severed limbs only
While no formal charges have been filed, the Alcor Life Extension Foundation of Riverside, Calif., was suspected of, among other things, zoning violations when it was revealed that a severed head had been kept on foundation premises in a frozen state of "cryonic suspension." When the capital portion of 83-year-old Dora Kent's remains disappeared, Riverside County Coroner Supervising Investigator Daniel Cupido complained about the case: "It would be an asset if we had some cooperation—like getting the head back."
Well, all right, if you insist, Tim, but keep that antifreeze level up and make sure they don't try to stash you in a residential neighborhood
Onetime mind-expander Timothy Leary signed a contract with Alcor to have his head removed after his death and frozen for possible resuscitation.
I don't care what the Disney people will say, Thumper, I say we trample the little brats and the hell with it
Children as young as 8 participated in a state-sponsored deer hunt near Camp Blanding, Fla. A Florida Game and Fresh Water Fish Commission spokesman said the hunt taught youngsters gun safety and hunting etiquette.
Excuse me, Senor Duarte, but the debate won't go on until you change the other candidates back from toads
A witch doctor from the Venezuelan Orienting Spiritual Force, Romulo Abreu Duarte, announced his candidacy for Venezuela's Presidency in a ceremony including chanting of spells and his contention that he was a personal emissary of the Indian goddess Maria Lionza.
Okay, everybody, crayons ready. Now, how can we show Ted the way he really should be?
Ted Turner, having already "colorized" such black-and-white movie classics as The Maltese Falcon and It's a Wonderful Life, inflicted a similar fate on Casablanca.
Dump me for that floozy, will you, Ross? Zzzssst! Still leaving the toilet seat up, eh, Jeff? Zzzssst!
The McCann-Erickson ad agency showed why women prefer poison sprays to kill roaches. When the agency asked women to sketch the insects, most drew them as males. Said a (female) agency exec: "Killing the roaches with a bug spray and watching them squirm and die allowed the women to express their hostility toward men."
You have a right to remain silent, you have a right to an attorney, and anything you say may be used against you. That will be $14.95
The Anaheim, Calif., city council unanimously passed a plan to force anyone arrested to pay the costs of investigating and prosecuting his case, even if he turned out to be innocent. The council reversed itself after a citizen suggested that the plan had made the city a laughingstock.
Near the end of the presidential campaign, then Sen. Dan Quayle, speaking (from notes) to schoolchildren in Charles City, Va., explained the important aspects of Thanksgiving: "The first would be our family. Your family, my family—which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all have our family, whichever that may be."
D. Gooden, model to American youth
New York Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden sued a Tampa, Fla., hospital for endorsement-income losses he said he sustained when the hospital released a report of a blood test showing Gooden was legally drunk when he was arrested by Tampa police in 1986. In that case, Gooden pleaded no contest to charges of resisting arrest with violence and battery on a law-enforcement officer. In 1987 he was suspended from baseball after testing positive for cocaine use. His suit this year still argued that the hospital's action was responsible for his loss of contracts from a camera maker and breakfast cereal, among other endorsements.
So all right, he doesn't fetch too well. Want to see him stay?
The Fleming family of Medina, Wash., was so attached to their sheepdog, Puli, that when he died in 1984, they had him freeze-dried by a taxidermist. Now he spends his time in front of the fireplace. "It's sort of like Puli is still alive because of all the laughs he gets," Suzanne Fleming says.
All right, boys, the first thing we have to do is loosen up the way people think of Wolfy. Now, did he and Elvis ever work together?
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's estate signed an estimated $30 million contract with an American promotion agency to commercialize the composer's image for the 200th anniversary of his death in 1991.
Oh, shut up and sing, all of you
Wall Street Journal contributor Jim Fusilli accepted Sting's challenge to critics to prove they had the talent to entertain an audience for 10 minutes. Himself calling Sting a boor, Fusilli also cited Village Voice writer Howard Hampton's criticism that Sting is "contemptible but in exemplary ways." Sting had retorted with a letter that said Hampton sounded like a "neo-Nazi" and added, "I've filed you away with a select and thankfully small group of psycho-sickos who want to torture my children or take a razor to my face."
Poppa's got a brand-new pouch
Arrested in Georgia on suspicion of driving under the influence of drugs, speeding and criminal trespass, Adrienne (Mrs. James) Brown claimed diplomatic immunity. Her lawyer in the still pending case argued that because U.S. Rep. D. Douglas Barnard Jr. (Democrat, Ga.) had called Mrs. Brown's husband "our No. 1 ambassador" during James Brown Appreciation Day ceremonies in 1986, she could not be charged.
After Sen. Bob Packwood said that ex-Attorney General Edwin Meese escaped prosecution because he was judged by "the standard for a bank robber," Packwood got a letter from Raymond E. James of the federal prison in Lewisburg, Pa. Calling himself an "inveterate bank robber of certain Oregon financial institutions," James wrote: "I take personal umbrage at your comments. We, too, have certain standards."
Bust their chops, Father, for they knew exactly what they were doing
After losing a vote that would have kept him in Chile's Presidency until 1997, Augusto Pinochet Ugarte compared his defeat with the spurning of Christ, when a Roman crowd chose to free Barabbas instead of Jesus.
I'm not sure, Special Agent Jones, but by the way he keeps reshelving books out of Dewey decimal sequence, I'd say he has got terrorism on his mind
The FBI announced its "Library Awareness Program," which involved asking librarians around the country to report any suspicious patrons.
Annals of the revolution: the people's secret blend of herbs and spices
Kentucky Fried Chicken revealed that its single most lucrative outlet is the one in Beijing, China, which recorded sales of about $3 million in its first year of operation.
Make that a bucket, with a pint of mashed potatoes and a double order of ants
China's People's Daily noted that China has more than 2,000 kinds of ants and said they "are regarded as high-quality nutrition and health food by other countries in the world. In studying state food policy, it is necessary to pay more attention to eating ants."
In a letter to the New England Journal of Medicine inspired by her bout with cancer, actress Gilda Radner wrote, "Doctors are whippersnappers in ironed white coats/Who spy up your rectums and look down your throats/ And press you and poke you with sterilized tools/ And stab at solutions that pacify fools/ I used to revere them and do what they said/ Till I learned what they learned on was already dead."
Jokes that began circulating around 1965 and are only now getting to the punch lines
At a New York club, former antiwar fanatic Abbie Hoffman, center, formalized his role as a stand-up comic, telling such jokes as, "Let me tell you about the night Jerry Falwell and I slept together. Jimmy Swaggart took movies." Abbie's Chicago Seven buddy Tom Hayden, left, showed his new attitude toward demonstrators, carrying a baseball bat as he confronted a group marching outside his Santa Monica home to protest his Vietnam politics. (He later said he had been on his way to coach a Little League game.) Another Chicago Seven alum, Jerry Rubin, at his 50th-birthday party called himself "kind of a Gary Hart Democrat" and noted a happily undeniable truth: "Until me, nobody had really taken off their clothes and screamed out loud, 'It's okay to make money.' "
No, Mr. Johnson, you leave the driving to them
A Houston man, Patrick Carl Johnson, was arrested after stealing a bus—about his 100th such theft, Houston police said. One cop noted that Johnson has caused little damage to the purloined vehicles and said, "This guy can really drive a bus."
If nothing is running, call Houston and ask for Patrick Carl Johnson
Connecticut's State Office of Civil Preparedness issued a nuclear war evacuation plan advising Hartford's 300,000 residents to flee 30 miles to Mansfield (pop. 20,000) by car or bus.
I told you to spend more on painters, but no, you blew the whole royal fortune on beer, dessert and those gold doodads
News in the afterlife of Egypt's King Tut: In a London storeroom, an archeobotanist found seeds from a cache of food—such as barley for brewing beer and watermelon seeds—that was buried with Tut 3,327 years ago and taken to England in the 1930s. Meanwhile, back at the tomb, Egyptian officials said that bacteria were destroying the wall paintings in Tut's Valley of the Kings burial chambers.
We're onto you, Chris; you don't care about Spain. You just want to have the capital of Ohio named after you
Portuguese historian Augusto Mascarenhas Barretto charged Columbus was a spy working for Portugal's King Joao II (inset).