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UPDATED 10/16/1989 at 01:00 AM EDT Originally published 10/16/1989 at 01:00 AM EDT

They don't give Emmys for the stock bios that network publicity departments crank out ad nauseam. But they should: All that heavy breathing over boilerplate prose ought not go unrewarded. So here, to fill the gap, are my Alan Awards: The Have-I-Gotten-To-The-End-Yet? Citation for Longest Bio to Dan Rather. His CBS bio, mostly a recitation of every trouble spot he has ever covered, drones on for five pages (one page longer than the file on 88-year-old CBS founder William S. Paley). Funniest Bio Award goes to Alf, who was for three years "the co-captain of his bouillabaisseball team." Brevity Award (hooray!) goes to Ken Wahl of Wiseguy, whose bio consumes six lines. Wahl also wins the Modesty Award for what he didn't say. I mean, Ken, if I were married to Corinne Alphen, a former Penthouse Pet, it would certainly be in my bio!

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