Picks and Pans Review: The Closer You Get

updated 03/06/2000 AT 01:00 AM EST

originally published 03/06/2000 AT 01:00 AM EST

Ian Hart, Niamh Cusack

In a picturesque but declining town on Ireland's Donegal coast, the unmarried menfolk decide that the female pickings are both numerically slender and insufficiently sexy. None of these boys are millionaires, so flying to Vegas and staging an elaborate TV special with a fleet of eager prospects is not an option. Instead, they place a personals ad in the Miami Herald, inviting American bachelorettes to a St. Martha's Day dance. The local womenfolk are more bemused than upset when they learn of this gambit—the postmistress routinely steams open any envelope with an interesting address—and invite a crew of lusty Spanish fishermen, docked at the waterfront, to be their dates for the evening.

Closer is more wee-cutesy than charming, although it does emit a faint romantic glow. The butcher (Hart) realizes he loves his assistant, but only after he has lost her affections by calling her a "country girl." The pub owner's wife (Cusack) is slowly drawn to an uncouth sheep farmer. But the movie's combined dramatic moments remain microscopic. You could administer them with an eyedropper. (PG-13)

Bottom Line: Close to nonexistent

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