Getting Simonized

updated 02/03/2003 AT 01:00 AM EST

originally published 02/03/2003 AT 01:00 AM EST

Back for a second season as the cattiest of talent judges on American Idol, British pop producer Simon Cowell, 43, took a moment out of his busy schedule terrifying contestants to oblige PEOPLE with snap judgments on matters major and trivial.

CLONING
Those Raelians are completely nuts. It's like watching an old edition of Star Trek. The idea of cloning myself isn't bad. But not with that lot.

MARIAH CAREY'S COMEBACK
Was there one? I'm not sure if anyone cares anymore. If you're going to come back, it has to be with an awesome record, like Kylie Minogue's.

THE ROYAL FAMILY'S MESSES
They're a family like any other, they make mistakes, they're human. But the royal family is what makes England special. I love it.

CHICAGO THE MOVIE
Not sure I could sit through it. Musicals bore me. On Idol, we restrict each song to a minute and a half.

THE JUSTIN-BRITNEY TO-AND-FRO
If I were him, I'd be playing the field at this point. And I don't find her sexy. Actually I find the whole thing rather dreary.

CARBS VS. PROTEINS
I don't know anything about that. All I think about is, 'Do I like the taste?'

NORTH KOREA
Have you seen the way they march? They're like robots.

KELLY OSBOURNE
I don't think she can sing.

EMINEM
I have a lot of respect for him. He is the voice of a generation, whether you like it or not. He's very consistent and he's very smart.

THE BACHELORETTE
I think [Trista Rehn] will be back on the singles market in a year. I met her, and I told her to give me a call when she is.

MORE ON: Simon Cowell

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